I wanted to share a few pictures of my Gabriel Elliott with you tonight. Oh how I miss you, pumpkin.
Oct 26, 2009
goodnight, my dear
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Well, we made it. We’re still standing. Today we buried our Gabriel.
The weather was absolutely perfect. (70 degrees and clear blue skies – I still love October) So many people came that I lost count. God was most definitely in that place. The service was so beautiful and I don’t think the set-up scared anyone. I was actually able to speak and to pray. I sang (quietly) but only along with the songs that we played. We had some scripture read and Brian’s dad said a few words at the end. Then everyone made their last pass to say goodbye.
We tucked him in, along with the stuffed animals and the picture that Chloe drew, and closed the casket ourselves. Then my husband and my brother carried him out to me and put him on my lap for the ride to the cemetery. (which was about 200 yards away) At the graveside we played 2 songs by Andrew Peterson (our favorite): After the Last Tear Falls and More. In between the songs I read Psalm 23. It was just precious.
Afterward we went to a nearby church for food and fellowship. It was nice to have everyone sit down to a meal together. When that was over we had my in-laws take the kids back home so we could go back by the cemetery to take the last of our pictures. We have documented EVERYTHING with pictures. Our funeral director was even so kind as to take pictures of us while we were busy with Gabe.
Though I really wanted a nap after we got home (we were up until 2:30 am this morning and got up around 7 am, not the best idea) the kids were not cooperating. I am really ready for some hard sleep tonight.
As I sit here and reflect on the day I am so thankful for the time we were given with Gabriel and the opportunity we were given to say goodbye the way we wanted to (considering). I have just been surrounded and filled with the peace of God. Don’t get me wrong – I have had some emotional outbursts and weeping episodes. But overall there has been a deep and lasting peace, and dare I say joy, in the midst of this. Losing Felix was like getting hit by a truck. This time was much different.
I feel like I’m rambling now and maybe later I will have some clearer thoughts. I’d like to finish off with the lyrics to one of the songs we played today. This one is just for you, my darling boy. I love you, Gabriel Elliott. Sweet dreams, baby.
May the Lord Bless and Keep You
Goodnight, my dear, go to sleep;
til you’re floating like a ship across the sea;
go to sleep.
May the Lord bless and keep you;
the Lord shine his face upon you, child, and give you grace.
May the Lord turn His face toward you, love, and give you peace.
Goodnight my dear, be at ease;
till you’re floating like the sunlight through the trees;
be at ease.
May the Lord bless and keep you;
the Lord shine his face upon you, child, and give you grace.
May the Lord turn His face toward you, love, and give you peace.
So lay down, breathe deep.
May the Lord bless and keep you;
the Lord shine his face upon you, child, and give you grace
May He turn His face toward you, my little boy, and give you peace.
-Andrew Peterson
Oct 25, 2009
like the dickens
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Brian and I are sitting here planning Gabriel’s funeral. (which will be held on Monday) We’re choosing music that has touched us and we’ll be creating a video slide show. We’ve asked the kids what they would like to include: Chloe wants us to have Psalm 23 read and Dylan wants “song number 8 on the Andrew Peterson CD – you know ‘Sarah take me by my arm.'” (that would be Canaan Bound from Appendix A) I’m not really sure what Ezra was trying to tell me. I think he wants to do a dance.
We are really going to mess with some people’s heads. We’ve asked them not to wear their “Sunday best.” We’re also setting up the chairs so they face each other. We want this to be very simple and comfortable and family-like. Tonight I was thinking I wanted to sing something (with others joining me in case I can’t make it through). I’m not sure what but I really desire for this to be very worshipful. Losing our son hurts like the dickens but I also want to be reminded, and remind others, that Gabriel is in Heaven. He is with Jesus – can you imagine?! He’s met Noah, Moses, Elijah, the disciples… and his brother Felix. He knows why God allowed this to happen to him and to us. He knows all sorts of things that we can only speculate about.
Since it’s late (and I’m supposed to be helping my husband) I will end here. Please keep praying for peace and comfort. Tomorrow we go to the funeral home to get Gabriel dressed and ready for our final (worldly) farewell. It’s not forever – just for a while.
Oct 21, 2009
welcome, Gabriel
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My love, my son, Gabriel Elliott Groce was born on Monday, October 19th at 12:05pm. We got to hear one little squeak from him. I watched him move his mouth. I felt his breath on my cheek. He stayed with us a glorious, wonderful 32 minutes before going home to Heaven. He was not in any pain and for that we are grateful. I’m sure he and his brother are having a great time together.
He is just beautiful. He has a good amount of hair and blue eyes. He has his Daddy’s fingers and feet. In the face he’s a great combination of his brothers. Who, along with their sister, were able to meet him today. My OB arranged for us to go to her office so the kids could come there to see Gabe. They were so precious. They had a lot of good questions but mostly just wanted to love on him. Each one got their chance to hold him. They kissed him a lot. They told him they loved him. We got great pictures.
I am doing well. I am sore and worn out but I’m well. I have never felt such peace in my life as I did during Gabe’s delivery. Thank you all for your prayers as we certainly felt God’s presence in that operating room. I will write out more of the details of his birth at a later date. For now I just wanted to let everyone know that he is here and we are okay.
(update: I had the time wrong… he lived for 32 minutes! I was drugged and not watching the clock.)
Here is a picture of Gabriel meeting his sister and brothers.
Oct 16, 2009
do not worry
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So, I’m trying to let go of the anger that has been welling up within me this evening after stewing about the hospital ridiculousness. Now Chloe has a fever of 101.4 and a sore throat so now I don’t even know if she could come if they would let her. I am so tired of the attacks and one thing after another going “wrong.” Please pray for a quick recovery for her and that none of the rest of us catch whatever she’s carrying.
Here’s what I just finished reading. I hope to have a peaceful night’s sleep tonight.
From Matthew chapter 6:
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Not worrying is getting harder for me every day but tonight I’m going to try to let it go.
Oct 16, 2009
no such luck
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I got the call from my OB this afternoon. The people at St. Vincent will not budge on the H1N1 visitor restriction. She tried and tried but no such luck. This means that some panel has decided that my children will not be allowed to meet their baby brother. I am more than upset. I can’t really find a word appropriate enough to describe it.
I plan to address this on Monday morning when we arrive. If they really are about “the spirit of caring” they should care about this. We have included the kids in this journey with us and I do not intend to let some random hospital committee tell us that they will not get to be there for the end. I want one of these committee members to come and look us in the eye and tell us themselves. I want to know if any of them has been through a loss like this – twice. I don’t think they fully understand what they are telling us and other families on the verge of loss. It is making this situation even worse and adding to the emotional baggage that I will have to tote and sort through for years to come. And making it harder for the kids, too. (By they way, Clarian has decided to make exceptions for patients who they know are dying.)
Please pray that these people will have a change of heart before Monday so that I don’t even have to bring it up.
Oct 15, 2009
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
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October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. For all of us who have lost a child, grandchild, niece, nephew or cousin (or have a friend who lost a child) today is a day of remembrance. Say their names, look at their pictures remember. No matter how long they were here they were wanted and loved and lived. At 7pm people around the world will light a candle for those little ones lost. I will be one of those and I will remember.
3 Groce peanuts and Felix David Groce, Baby and Melody Grace Jenkins, Abigail Brenner, Baby (Covey) Scott, and Baby Scheck. I am also thinking of all of those whose blogs I’ve come across and remember your children today, too. (If I’m forgetting some, I’m sorry! I do have the prego brain right now.)
Oct 15, 2009
what (not) to say
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This is a post from another blog that I have started following. Michele has lost several children and is now navigating the NICU with her new twins. The theme of this post is things that parents do and do NOT want to hear from their family and friends after loss. Thought it may be a good reminder.
Oct 14, 2009
finishing up
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I had my last OB appointment before delivery on Tuesday. I also had an ultrasound done to check Gabe’s position. He is breech – like he’s been all along. He has a beautiful ear and chubby cheeks and LOTS of hair. He wouldn’t let us see his face straight on – he has both ears, don’t worry.
So here is where we stand now… my OB has spoken with 2 MFM specialists – one of whom (believe it or not) has delivered a baby with LBWC. Now, this baby was not full term but at least he had some experience with it. After talking with them and going over positioning, etc. she has decided that I will need to have a vertical incision. She will start with a low vertical incision and only convert to a complete classical incision if it’s absolutely necessary. She needs to get Gabe out with the placenta intact so if she can’t reach it with the small incision we’ll just have to move to the large one to get him out safely. She said the neonatologist may be able to then cut and clamp the cord to separate him from the placenta. She and one of the MFMs feel like there could be enough cord outside of the defect to be able to do that. The hospice RN has taken care of all of her details so it looks like – staging-wise – we’re all set. [Read more…]
Oct 9, 2009
he kicked me in the face
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I’m not sure if I’ll get to post at all this weekend after this. We have a LOT of cleaning up to do around the house. (I must be nesting because I really want to scrub the inside of the microwave. Swollen legs and feet are keeping me from it.) I really didn’t want it to come down to the last minute but, nevertheless, it always does.
Dylan keeps asking every day if “tomorrow” is Gabe’s birthday. I think it’s mostly because he wants to give him the present he picked out. Ezra asked me today if I was going to the hospital. (nope, just to work near a hospital) Then my darling Chloe says “No, his birthday is not until the 19th!” I think they are getting anxious. They are so cute though because now when they tell me goodbye in the morning they also “hug” Gabe and tell him goodbye. I am so glad that they have had the chance to get to know their brother and develop (some sort of) a relationship with him – just in case this is all they get. All three of them love to feel him moving in my belly. Most of the time they tell me he kicked them in the face. (Because, if you have or have had or have even been around small children, you know that personal space does not exist and they have to talk to him with their mouths ON my belly!)
So as we near the last of our preparations for the birth of our son, please continue to pray. For healing of course but also for peace. I am starting to get nervous about this delivery and what could happen to me. (excessive bleeding=transfusion, infection from the placenta not being completely removed, and all sorts of other fun “what ifs”) I had been telling Brian that he was going to have to worry about me because I was focusing on Gabe. Now I think I am worried about me.
Ooh, just as an aside… we get to have an ultrasound when we go for my last appointment this coming Tuesday. Better still… the tech should be able to pull video from our other ultrasounds and put those on our disk, too. YAY!!
