like the dickens

Brian and I are sitting here planning Gabriel’s funeral.  (which will be held on Monday)  We’re choosing music that has touched us and we’ll be creating a video slide show.  We’ve asked the kids what they would like to include: Chloe wants us to have Psalm 23 read and Dylan wants “song number 8 on the Andrew Peterson CD – you know ‘Sarah take me by my arm.'”  (that would be Canaan Bound from Appendix A)  I’m not really sure what Ezra was trying to tell me.  I think he wants to do a dance.

We are really going to mess with some people’s heads.  We’ve asked them not to wear their “Sunday best.”  We’re also setting up the chairs so they face each other.  We want this to be very simple and comfortable and family-like.  Tonight I was thinking I wanted to sing something (with others joining me in case I can’t make it through).  I’m not sure what but I really desire for this to be very worshipful.  Losing our son hurts like the dickens but I also want to be reminded, and remind others, that Gabriel is in Heaven.  He is with Jesus – can you imagine?!  He’s met Noah, Moses, Elijah, the disciples… and his brother Felix.  He knows why God allowed this to happen to him and to us.  He knows all sorts of things that we can only speculate about.

Since it’s late (and I’m supposed to be helping my husband) I will end here.  Please keep praying for peace and comfort.  Tomorrow we go to the funeral home to get Gabriel dressed and ready for our final (worldly) farewell.  It’s not forever – just for a while.


  1. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. praying for peace in your heart. Thinking that your planning sounds like a unique service for a unique boy. Lots of love. xxx

  2. Can I recommend a song? It’s called “You Are Mine”. The words are beautiful. We sang it to our children and had it sang at their memorial services.

    I will come to you in the silence
    I will lift you from all your fear
    You will hear My voice
    I claim you as My choice
    Be still, and know I am near
    I am hope for all who are hopeless
    I am eyes for all who long to see
    In the shadows of the night,
    I will be your light
    Come and rest in Me

    Do not be afraid, I am with you
    I have called you each by name
    Come and follow Me
    I will bring you home
    I love you and you are mine

    I am strength for all the despairing
    Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
    All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
    And all will know My name

    Do not be afraid, I am with you
    I have called you each by name
    Come and follow Me
    I will bring you home
    I love you and you are mine

    I am the Word that leads all to freedom
    I am the peace the world cannot give
    I will call your name, embracing all your pain
    Stand up, now, walk, and live

    Do not be afraid, I am with you
    I have called you each by name
    Come and follow Me
    I will bring you home
    I love you and you are mine

    You can hear it on youtube:

  3. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and that you are experiencing the feeling of planning a funeral instead of what should be.
    I heard about your story on LFCA, and had to stop by. I lost my own sweet daughter about an hour and a half after birth on 8/28/09.

    I’d like to share a few songs we’ve come across since my loss.
    At Madelyn’s funeral, we played “With Hope” by Steven Curtis Chapman and “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns.
    Other songs I’ve found helpful are:
    “I Will Carry You” by Selah (though there are references to “her” so it might not work unless someone is singing it and could change the lyrics to “him”)
    “Glory Baby” by Watermark
    “Held” by Natalie Grant
    “Beauty from Pain” by Superchick
    “Held”, “Glory Baby”, “I will Carry You”, and “With Hope” all deal with the loss of a child.

    Many, many hugs and prayers are coming your way.

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  5. My prayers are with you and your husband. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. And now to experience your second loss. I am just so sorry.

  6. Terribly sorry for your loss and also watching you with great respect for the strength you have in dealing with this difficult time. Much love, Fran


  7. I am so sorry for your loss, but agree wholeheartedly that he is with his brother in heaven.

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