Life at the Groce(ry)

Well, today is the first day of October.  I was a little sad to turn the calendar over today because now I can see Gabriel’s birthday every time I look at it.  I don’t like being sad about it because I love October.

Indiana is so beautiful this time of year. (even with the unpredictable weather!)  I love the blue, blue skies and the colors of the leaves.  I love going to the orchard to pick apples.  I love the smell in the air and the bonfires and hayrides and festivals.

Now it seems as though the fall will never be the same after this year.  I won’t want to hear the crunch of fallen leaves under my feet.  Like an unwelcome cold front I’ll feel the breeze of grief blowing in and putting a frost on my heart.  Will I enjoy the smell of hot apple cider?  Will I look at the sky with the same love for its azure hue?  Will I be able to gaze on the colors of fall without feeling a deep, desperate longing to share it with my son?  Not likely. [Read more…]

Tomorrow we are meeting with the nurse in charge of the Infant Loss program before my OB appointment. We’re going to sit down to ask questions about – everything, I guess. I’m not really sure what we’re supposed to ask. I’m not really sure what answers she can give. No one involved has been through a delivery like this before. Of course, I guess that could work to our advantage. We like to do things our own way so this could be an opportunity for that.

Here are my main thoughts… I want pictures and video. I want Brian to hold him as soon as possible. I want Gabe to be comfortable but not groggy from drugs. I want someone to go to our family as soon as he’s been delivered so they aren’t left wondering. I want a private recovery room. I want the kids to come there as soon as possible to meet their brother. I want to have as many or as few visitors as I want, when I want. Now to ask Brian what he thinks…

If God brings us to mind, please pray as we try to make some (more) decisions about how Gabriel will come into the world.

I have had a rough couple of days at work. I’m getting to the point where I’m running out of “tough” days.

Some people have said that they can’t believe how strong I am to come to work everyday and be able to function, let alone seem happy. Well, today I was done being strong. I cried on a coworker’s shoulder and in my boss’ office. I guess I shouldn’t expect myself to be able to handle every day perfectly, right?

I’m just sick and tired of people complaining about things that are meaningless in the grand scheme of life. We all have things in our lives that are hard and stressful but come on, people. Having to work a “late” shift (ending at 5:30) every 3 weeks is not the end of the world. And the fact that not EVERYONE has to do it… oh, the horror!

Now, I have to say that I have never enjoyed the types of people who have the attitude of “you think you have it bad, listen to what I have to deal with” but yesterday and today I was getting that attitude. I realize that whatever happens in your life that’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with is a big deal to you. But if a shift at work is the worst thing about your life – consider yourself BLESSED! I remember the days when not getting to go out with the girls or getting that pair of shoes or finding out someone talked about me behind my back or being told I had to clock out to pump my breastmilk was the worst thing I had to deal with. But those days are long gone and now I realize how small and petty all of it was in comparison to the big picture. Now things like cancer and death and divorce and depression are happening to me and my friends and I have found I have little tolerance for people who whine about work not being fair.

Whew, sorry. I had to let that out. Hope it didn’t sound like a bunch of gibberish but it was more therapeutic than informational.

So, to the title of this post… it is the way I’m getting through this. Sitting on the couch with my boys watching a funny movie in our sweatpants on a cool, rainy fall night. What a great way to get back to what’s really important.

I had Gabriel’s name chosen before we knew he was “he” and before we knew he had LBWC. Apparently the Spanish meaning was the one I found to begin with: “God is my strength.” I loved it.

But today I learned the Hebrew meaning for Gabriel: “God’s able-bodied one.” So, I headed off to look up the meaning of able-bodied and here is what I found: “having a sound strong body.”

How interesting given the diagnosis he’s received. Is this why I still seem so at peace with all of this? (most of the time) Will God really give Gabriel healing this side of Heaven? Will he be God’s able-bodied one here on Earth?

I still don’t know. What I do know is it was no mistake that this was the name we chose for him.

Last night I was saying to Brian that I just don’t have anything new to say to God about Gabe. I feel like I’m praying the same things over and over. (which is okay, I suppose) But I have been given new words today:

God, please make Gabriel to be your able-bodied one.
I speak to his body to be sound and strong.
Make Gabriel whole.

There you have it. Gabriel “God’s able-bodied one” Elliott “Jehovah is God”

Good times.

We had another appointment with my OB today. (she just gets better and better!)

We talked about ways the delivery could go (incision type, private recovery room, when to bring the kids in, etc.) and she suggested we sit down with the perinatal hospice nurse and possibly some people from the NICU team to discuss our wishes. I don’t believe that anyone who will be in that room will have experienced a delivery like this and none of us want to make decisions on the fly. (I told her that was good because I would be pretty grumpy!)

One of the biggest things for me (and Brian, I’m sure) was the length of time it would take to get Gabriel into our arms. My doctor said that they could sterilize blankets and keep them in the field so that she could wipe him down, wrap him up and hand him straight to Brian. That is my favorite plan. I don’t feel like anyone else needs to have him. There’s nothing they will do so nobody needs to take him to the warmer.

I believe that we will have one more ultrasound before delivery so she can get an idea of how he’s presenting. We will be sure to get a video of that since we don’t have one yet. (I can’t believe that but we don’t!) I’m so glad we’ll get to see him that way one last time.

I guess next up is to decide whether to go ahead and make arrangements with the funeral home or not (we probably should) and I still would like to have a family photo shoot before we deliver.

Again, thank you all for your continued petitions to God on our behalf for Gabe’s healing and for our peace through this difficult season. I know He hears us!

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I’ve done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your a son.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.

Decided to shift into fall gear. After apple picking and football this weekend I’m in the mood.

Well, it looks as though the time grows short. After my OB appointment on Friday, and more discussion with Brian, we’ve planned for October 19th to be Gabriel’s birthday. I will be 2 days shy of 37 weeks. I tend to go into labor early and since no one really knows how long I can carry Gabe we thought we shouldn’t wait any longer than this. Plus, I want my doctor to be the one to deliver him. We had a different doctor with Felix and it was so uncomfortable. He didn’t know us and made it quite clear that he wasn’t thrilled to be there. (like we were?!) Anyway, I trust her and she knows us. Even though she doesn’t have experience with delivering a LBWC baby the other docs don’t either and I’d rather not “spring” this on someone! At least my doctor knows what we’re bringing to the table. (no pun intended)

So, now Brian and I have a lot of things to do and about 6 weeks to do them. I hope we can have some time alone soon so we can talk about everything without having the kids around. We have a lot of serious and hard decisions to make. They are listening to every word and I can tell they are concerned. [Read more…]