october sky

Well, today is the first day of October.  I was a little sad to turn the calendar over today because now I can see Gabriel’s birthday every time I look at it.  I don’t like being sad about it because I love October.

Indiana is so beautiful this time of year. (even with the unpredictable weather!)  I love the blue, blue skies and the colors of the leaves.  I love going to the orchard to pick apples.  I love the smell in the air and the bonfires and hayrides and festivals.

Now it seems as though the fall will never be the same after this year.  I won’t want to hear the crunch of fallen leaves under my feet.  Like an unwelcome cold front I’ll feel the breeze of grief blowing in and putting a frost on my heart.  Will I enjoy the smell of hot apple cider?  Will I look at the sky with the same love for its azure hue?  Will I be able to gaze on the colors of fall without feeling a deep, desperate longing to share it with my son?  Not likely.

Tonight as we were saying bedtime prayers I heard Dylan (4) say “…and God, please don’t let any more of my people die.”  That hurts so much.  Our little ones have had a rough 18 months.  They’ve lost a brother, 2 great-grandfathers and now face losing another brother.  We have tried to be as open about all of it as we can for their ages.  They still believe with all their hearts that God is going to heal Gabe and let us bring him home.  (Dylan even wants me to make him a website!)  I just don’t want to see their faith smashed to pieces when they are so young.  (well I never want to see that, really)  I don’t know how we can help them process all of this when we are having such a difficult time with it.  I guess we have helped them so far so maybe the real question is how do we do it again?

I’m not really sure how to tie these two trains of thought together but that’s what came out tonight.  Thanks for riding along with me.

And now for something completely different: I want to say a BIG thank you to LFCA for including me on the site today!


  1. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hoped you wouldn’t mind me requesting support for you from LFCA. If you would like to, they can add you to their blogroll. Let me know.
    Strange how fall is just beginning for you and we are entering spring time. Your boys will be ok, just keep communicating with them. My parents did with us when we lost my brother and they will be ok. lots of love
    Sarah xxxx

  2. Thinking of you and sending prayers for you and Gabe. We have six beautiful children in heaven: 3 babies I was able to carry before they were born premature and God called them home, and 3 that we had only a few weeks with before they were miscarried. I dont know why God gives us our beautiful babies only to call them home suddenly, but I know that our lives are made better because of their presence in them. Felix and Gabe are lucky to have you as parents. One day, you will see them again and hold them once more.

    From LFCA…

  3. Amanda, my heart is breaking for you, Brian, and the kids. I wish it could be different.

    You are an amazing mother to Gabe, and that is the best gift to both of you, but especially to him. Small comfort, but I think true nonetheless.

    Still hoping for a miracle.


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