Well, it looks as though the time grows short. After my OB appointment on Friday, and more discussion with Brian, we’ve planned for October 19th to be Gabriel’s birthday. I will be 2 days shy of 37 weeks. I tend to go into labor early and since no one really knows how long I can carry Gabe we thought we shouldn’t wait any longer than this. Plus, I want my doctor to be the one to deliver him. We had a different doctor with Felix and it was so uncomfortable. He didn’t know us and made it quite clear that he wasn’t thrilled to be there. (like we were?!) Anyway, I trust her and she knows us. Even though she doesn’t have experience with delivering a LBWC baby the other docs don’t either and I’d rather not “spring” this on someone! At least my doctor knows what we’re bringing to the table. (no pun intended)
So, now Brian and I have a lot of things to do and about 6 weeks to do them. I hope we can have some time alone soon so we can talk about everything without having the kids around. We have a lot of serious and hard decisions to make. They are listening to every word and I can tell they are concerned.
I have to be honest, I did not want to choose a date. It feels too final. I’m not ready to let him out (and possibly let him go). He’s safe and happy right where he is. I’m safe and happy with where he is. Every day that goes by gets harder for me. I find it harder to be positive. I still hope and ask (and beg) for a miracle. But I can’t help but feel that I need to prepare myself to bury another son. I’m tired of playing mind games with myself, too. Like if Brian and I pre-plan his funeral that it “seals his fate.” That if I don’t ask enough or ask it the right way that God will say – “Sorry; if you’d only said ______ then I would have done it.” I can’t live my life thinking that God plays those kinds of games.
And while some days I feel like it’s torture that Gabriel can survive just fine inside me but no one can do (or is willing to do) ANYTHING for him once he’s outside – I have NOT ONCE REGRETTED carrying him to term. I have enjoyed every day, every move, every moment with him. Brian has felt Gabe move more than all of our other kids combined. That truly is a blessing. As we enter these last (pregnant) days I pray that we will make the best decisions for him that we can and enjoy every blessed breath that he is given outside my body and that he can feel and know how much we love him.
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