Today we got the artwork we commissioned for the boys’ headstone. (ooh, did I sound like royalty just now?) This has been a long time coming and now we can finally schedule an appointment to order the stone and get it installed. (or placed – I don’t know the lingo) Maybe this will help a little with the (earthly) finality of it all. Maybe not. At least soon we’ll have a place to leave flowers and drawings from the kids. I thought about posting the picture but I think I’ll wait until it’s carved in stone. hee hee (Hey, I have to laugh about something or I’ll go insane.)

In other news, I am having another rough week so any prayers you can spare would be appreciated. I am trying so hard to be loving toward everyone I come in contact with but it is REALLY hard. By the time I left work tonight I had just had it. I mean “up to here” had it. Like Mrs. Spit said – some days I wonder why some people get to have children when they have no apparent desire to care for them. (I also wonder why I thought it was a good idea to go to a meeting across the hall from a NICU earlier today thus expending all energy I had to “keep it together, man.”)

So many of my coworkers tell me they can’t believe how strong I am and how they would never be able to keep their cool in some of the situations I have been faced with since my return. Well, while it may appear that I am long-suffering on the outside – the words in my mind sometimes tell a different story. And I don’t want it to be that way. I want to be real about it but in a loving way. Am I making any sense? I want my attitude to come in line with my heart – inside and out. It is so easy for me to start complaining about people and I shouldn’t. I need to love them because that is what God told me to do.

Well, I think that’s enough for tonight. I have to set a blog curfew for myself because while what I’m writing makes sense to me now, it might not in the morning.

That’s it, no blogging after 11.

As I have been at work this week life, death and suffering have come to the forefront.

For those of you who don’t know, I work for a home care company in the pharmacy and nutrition services department. Basically I am in charge of providing patients with supplies to care for their IV lines at home and also provide formula and supplies for tube feedings.

Since I am the supervisor I have been covering for my friend who takes in new referrals for tube feedings this week while she is on vacation in Dubai. (and you owe me BIG time, Jen!)

This has stirred up a lot of thoughts and feelings about children with birth defects.

I wonder why God allows some to live without too many problems while others have all types of special needs requiring multiple therapies and meds and so on. I wonder why God allows others, like Gabriel, to be “beyond repair.”

I see so many kids who have admission after admission to the hospital. Some have had multiple transplants, others trying all different types of treatments to help cure their diseases – standard and experimental. Parents and kids fighting for their lives against things like cancer, short gut syndrome, cerebral palsy, pulmonary (lung) disorders… the list just goes on and on. And it makes my heart ache.

I like what I am doing at my job and hope that in some way it makes things easier on the families we serve. But sometimes it’s hard. Especially when I’m grieving the loss of children whose lives I fought for in the spirit but lost in the end.

Well, I did it. I survived my first week back at work. One of my staff called in the last 2 days this week so I was thrust back into coverage. I think I did just fine.

It really went much more smoothly than when I returned after Felix died. I really think the extra 4 weeks, and knowing what Gabriel’s outcome would likely be, made the difference. People were very glad to see me and were genuinely concerned about how I was doing. I am so thankful for the group of people I work with!

Friday morning I was chuggin’ right along, getting ready for work, wearing my Colts blue and overall just glad it was the last day of the week. Then it happened – grief snuck up in the unlikeliest thing… my hair. I know, crazy, right? Well, I was getting ready to leave the bathroom when I noticed a hair on the counter. When I went to pick it up I noticed it was in the shape of a “g” and I burst into tears. The first split second made me smile and say hi to him in my head. Then the hurt crept back in and I let it come. I remembered (like I ever forget) how much I miss him. I just wanted to be able to go into the boys’ room and pick him up and hold him and kiss him. But I can’t and never will again as long as I’m on this earth.

As the day progressed I started to feel better. But this was yet another lesson in grief. I don’t know when or where or how the sadness will come, but it will. And sometimes it’s okay to let it come. I will have to stay on my toes and be sure that I don’t let it consume or overtake me. I will lean on my Savior and ask him for comfort and peace in those times.

Well, hello there! How have you been?

I think I must have developed an aversion to the internet these past few weeks. I haven’t been blogging or visiting blogs hardly at all. I haven’t seen many of my friends, either. (only 2, actually) I think I may have qualified for hermit status.

And now, “Let us go out into the world!” (that was for my 3 sisters and my brother)

I’m not sure where the withdrawal came from but it must have been necessary. I’ve had a good few weeks and was even able to squeeze in that MUCH desired trip alone with my husband.

I go back to work on Monday and, today at least, I feel good about it. I am ready.

So, as I ease my way back into the blogging world, and the world at large, I’d like to know how your holidays were. Even your resolutions for this year. I’d love to hear about them. I’m not really one to make resolutions, per se, but I am going to do Project Life this year so I’ll count that as my first official resolution. I always need to lose weight so that doesn’t count. (maybe I should resolve to have that OFF the list? we’ll see how that goes.)

Thanks for coming by even though I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ll come visit you soon.

This week was hard.

I’m not sure what it was, really.  Maybe it was because it has been a month since Gabriel’s birth and death.  Maybe it was because every day was cloudy.  Maybe it was the hormones.  I don’t know.  But (and my husband can testify) it was just an awful week.

This is a hard road to navigate and it’s scary when things seem hopeless.  It is so easy to let the thoughts and the sadness get the best of you.  I hate this fallen world where we have to deal with death and loss.  Especially with children because you not only grieve for what was but also what could have been.  And because of that the grief will come and go until I leave this world.  That is a LONG time to be reminded of what is gone.  Hopefully for the most part I will be reminded of what is to come when I do leave this world.  A sweet reunion with my baby boys.  (If they’re still babies and if I know they were my sons.  That’s a conversation for another post, though.  Maybe.)

Without airing all of the details let me just say it was an unpleasant week.  There were a lot of rough moments.  I couldn’t control my emotions.  One minute I was screaming and the next I was crying.  If anyone had asked what was wrong I wouldn’t have been able to tell them.  One night Chloe prayed and asked God to help me get out of bed the next morning.  That was a crushing blow.  I think I did get up earlier the next day but my mood was not much improved.

I was not a very nice person and I have apologized to my husband and children for that.  It did help that Brian and I were able to be alone for a while yesterday – driving a couple of hours each way on our shopping trip we were able to really talk without worrying about what the kids heard.

Did you know that I wish we could get away alone?  Some of you did?  Oh, okay.  Unfortunately it doesn’t look like we can swing that before I go back to work.  You know, the whole holiday thing kinda gets in the way.

So after all of what went on this week today has been a good day.  I hope the rest of the week goes well.  It’s hard telling since it’s Thanksgiving but I won’t dread what’s ahead.  I will try my best to be positive and also to give myself freedom to take a break if I need it.

If you would, will you pray for me and my family?  Pray for protection from attacks of the enemy and for strength in our relationships.  Pray for clarity when my mind gets clouded with emotion and negative thoughts.  Pray for my husband because his stress level is higher having to take care of all of us.  Pray for peace and joy in the midst of pain.

I’ll pray for you, too.