not very nice

This week was hard.

I’m not sure what it was, really.  Maybe it was because it has been a month since Gabriel’s birth and death.  Maybe it was because every day was cloudy.  Maybe it was the hormones.  I don’t know.  But (and my husband can testify) it was just an awful week.

This is a hard road to navigate and it’s scary when things seem hopeless.  It is so easy to let the thoughts and the sadness get the best of you.  I hate this fallen world where we have to deal with death and loss.  Especially with children because you not only grieve for what was but also what could have been.  And because of that the grief will come and go until I leave this world.  That is a LONG time to be reminded of what is gone.  Hopefully for the most part I will be reminded of what is to come when I do leave this world.  A sweet reunion with my baby boys.  (If they’re still babies and if I know they were my sons.  That’s a conversation for another post, though.  Maybe.)

Without airing all of the details let me just say it was an unpleasant week.  There were a lot of rough moments.  I couldn’t control my emotions.  One minute I was screaming and the next I was crying.  If anyone had asked what was wrong I wouldn’t have been able to tell them.  One night Chloe prayed and asked God to help me get out of bed the next morning.  That was a crushing blow.  I think I did get up earlier the next day but my mood was not much improved.

I was not a very nice person and I have apologized to my husband and children for that.  It did help that Brian and I were able to be alone for a while yesterday – driving a couple of hours each way on our shopping trip we were able to really talk without worrying about what the kids heard.

Did you know that I wish we could get away alone?  Some of you did?  Oh, okay.  Unfortunately it doesn’t look like we can swing that before I go back to work.  You know, the whole holiday thing kinda gets in the way.

So after all of what went on this week today has been a good day.  I hope the rest of the week goes well.  It’s hard telling since it’s Thanksgiving but I won’t dread what’s ahead.  I will try my best to be positive and also to give myself freedom to take a break if I need it.

If you would, will you pray for me and my family?  Pray for protection from attacks of the enemy and for strength in our relationships.  Pray for clarity when my mind gets clouded with emotion and negative thoughts.  Pray for my husband because his stress level is higher having to take care of all of us.  Pray for peace and joy in the midst of pain.

I’ll pray for you, too.


  1. Praying for you and the whole family. You are loved!!!

  2. I’ve written about four versions of my response, and none of them expressed what I wanted. The best I can do is say that I love you all, and you’re in my thoughts every single day. ((HUG))

  3. Love you, my dear child.

  4. I wish I has the right words, any words. But I will say, there are many of us out here praying for you and your family. And you have a hard painful road to navigate. I am so glad you can come here to have people support you on it. xxxx

  5. I’m sorry honey. I’m saying a prayer for you right now.

  6. I would read the psalms, over and over. I would recite the verse from Job we read at our Gabriel’s funeral.

    It’s not a failure, you are not walking away from the love of God because you are in this place. This is the valley of the shadow of death, this is the place that David cried out from. These places are the places in our lives when good and evil are very close together, and when we are tired, weary, and it’s late at night, it can be easier to listen to Satan’s lies than God’s promise of hope.

    This is a particularly hard part of year to be grieving a lost child, a time when everything is about children. It always seemed it would be easier if Gabe had died during Easter.

    Sending you peace and comfort. Praying for God’s staff to be close to you.

  7. I’m sorry you are having a rough time. I have had these kind of weeks, and they just never get easier. I will keep you and your family in prayers.

    I also often wonder if Madelyn will be a baby in heaven. In many ways I want her to be, because I want to hold her as a baby again. But I also can’t imagine that anyone is helpless in heaven. But as you say, that’s a topic for another day.

    Anyway, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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