it’s not personal, it’s grief

Did you miss me?

My family took a trip with my in-laws to visit the Mouse in Florida.  That’s why I haven’t posted for a while.  That and I didn’t really have anything to say.

It was a good time.  There were parts that were rough, too.  Like the day I just sat and cried the whole time we were eating lunch because a small baby was crying at the table next to us and I wish we’d had one to chime in with her.  (really glad the milk has dried up because otherwise I’m sure I would’ve needed a new shirt)  I also about had a heart attack on the carousel when I heard a woman say “Gabriel!  Gabriel!  Smile, honey!”  Ugh, this really doesn’t get easier.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “Why did you go to Disney when you know there are babies everywhere?”  Honestly, it wasn’t my idea.  But how can you say no to your other children?  (the man-child included)  For the most part I was fine but those few moments were really hard.

So… Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and so on.  I still have shopping to do, which is neither stressful nor surprising.  I like to spread it out.  And, as usual, we have about 100 gatherings to go to starting this Friday.  There are Christmas and birthday parties, family gatherings (4 or 5 of them), my anniversary (#9) and a rehearsal and wedding to go to.  I really wanted to just hide and hibernate this year.  We’ve had a rough couple of years and I think that we deserve to do (or not do) whatever we want.  The problem is (for a few of these days) we can’t.  I suppose the truth is I feel like we can’t – in reality the wedding is really the only thing we absolutely can’t miss because Dylan is the ring bearer.  But, frankly, I don’t need the guilt from other people if we don’t show up for some of these things so we’ll go anyway.  Seems a little lose-lose when I put it that way, doesn’t it?

I’m really trying to get into the spirit this year but  I don’t really seem interested.  I’m going to try by getting the tree up tonight.  (yes, tonight, 9 days before the big day)  I am excited for the kids but I’m just not feeling it otherwise.

I know that once things get going I’ll probably be fine and enjoy the time but I’m not looking forward to it today.  (Do you like how I usually talk myself out of the funk-ish thoughts by the end of my posts?)

Time for another disclaimer: Don’t be offended if one of these events I’m not looking forward to is one you are putting on.  It’s not personal – it’s grief.


  1. It has been an incredibly rough couple of years and no wonder you don’t feel up to it. But you will get through it and I hope, maybe even enjoy some of it. Hugs to you, I can only imagine your feelings xxxxx

  2. Oh hon, it is so hard to get into the spirit when your heart is broken. I am so sorry. 🙁

  3. If I had anything to do over about those early days, it would be refusing to do more things, instead of doing them because I thought I had to.

    I’m sorry.

  4. You shouldn’t have to worry about what other people are going to think if you take a break from something. And it would be an awful thing for them to try and make you feel guilty. While I love our family Christmas party, I wouldn’t be upset with you for missing it. You guys do what you need, and we as your family will do our job to support you!!!

  5. I agree with Riss. It’s easier said than done, but don’t worry about what other people think (or don’t think) of you if you decide to sit an event out. I think it’s certainly “allowed” for you guys to decide that this year is the year to sit out. And if it’s only you and Brian sitting it out and the kids going with either of your parents, that’s fine too. Your friends and family will understand and support your decisions. Love you guys!

  6. No personal pressure or guilt! Do what you need to do. We love you all so very much. Missing Felix and Gabe ourselves during the Christmas season. Especially when so much of the season centers around the joy of the birth of a very special baby. I’m glad that THAT Baby is telling the story of His birth to Felix and Gabriel. Maybe Gabe’s namesake is even telling of the part he played in announcing the wonderful birth. I can see them in my mind jumping and dancing with glee as they celebrate with Jesus and anticipate our joining them in time. That will be a joyous time indeed. Until then, do what you need to do, and don’t listen to the voice that says anything to make you feel guilty. He’s the liar. Love you so very much.


  7. It really is hard to try to celebrate Christmas when every single festivity, every family event, seems to scream “my baby is gone, my baby should be here, my baby is gone, my baby should be here…”. It’s like a constant beat, drumming in my head, every single time. It’s not just the Christmas events that trigger it, but for some reason Christmas can make it feel so much more real.

    I wish you weren’t here, in this miserable place. I’m just so, so sorry. 🙁 But I am glad that blogging helps you.

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