in other news

Today we got the artwork we commissioned for the boys’ headstone. (ooh, did I sound like royalty just now?) This has been a long time coming and now we can finally schedule an appointment to order the stone and get it installed. (or placed – I don’t know the lingo) Maybe this will help a little with the (earthly) finality of it all. Maybe not. At least soon we’ll have a place to leave flowers and drawings from the kids. I thought about posting the picture but I think I’ll wait until it’s carved in stone. hee hee (Hey, I have to laugh about something or I’ll go insane.)

In other news, I am having another rough week so any prayers you can spare would be appreciated. I am trying so hard to be loving toward everyone I come in contact with but it is REALLY hard. By the time I left work tonight I had just had it. I mean “up to here” had it. Like Mrs. Spit said – some days I wonder why some people get to have children when they have no apparent desire to care for them. (I also wonder why I thought it was a good idea to go to a meeting across the hall from a NICU earlier today thus expending all energy I had to “keep it together, man.”)

So many of my coworkers tell me they can’t believe how strong I am and how they would never be able to keep their cool in some of the situations I have been faced with since my return. Well, while it may appear that I am long-suffering on the outside – the words in my mind sometimes tell a different story. And I don’t want it to be that way. I want to be real about it but in a loving way. Am I making any sense? I want my attitude to come in line with my heart – inside and out. It is so easy for me to start complaining about people and I shouldn’t. I need to love them because that is what God told me to do.

Well, I think that’s enough for tonight. I have to set a blog curfew for myself because while what I’m writing makes sense to me now, it might not in the morning.

That’s it, no blogging after 11.


  1. Sending hugs. I don’t have any good answers, I keep coming back to the words of Job, I know my redeemer lives.

  2. It makes perfect sense to me. 😉 Thanks.

  3. Sending hugs and loving thoughts. I wish I had an answer to that question. Why indeed.

  4. Mimi gives you strength….that’s all I know…love you,,,,Bip

  5. Amanda,

    I stumbled upon your blog while searching for information on NILMDTS (I am a nurse and my hospital has recently started offering their services). Your continuing journey through the loss of your sons brought me to tears and gave me a renewed sense of faith. For how could have you survived such heartbreak without holding on to our Lord? I don’t think I have ever heard a mother’s love expressed as eloquently or honestly as you have done through this blog. As a mother of three (ages 6,4, and 1 1/2), my heart aches for your loss, but is filled with hope and joy as I see your beautiful family. I will keep Felix and Gabriel’s family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Melissa Kludt

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