I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I’ve done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your a son.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.

Decided to shift into fall gear. After apple picking and football this weekend I’m in the mood.

Well, it looks as though the time grows short. After my OB appointment on Friday, and more discussion with Brian, we’ve planned for October 19th to be Gabriel’s birthday. I will be 2 days shy of 37 weeks. I tend to go into labor early and since no one really knows how long I can carry Gabe we thought we shouldn’t wait any longer than this. Plus, I want my doctor to be the one to deliver him. We had a different doctor with Felix and it was so uncomfortable. He didn’t know us and made it quite clear that he wasn’t thrilled to be there. (like we were?!) Anyway, I trust her and she knows us. Even though she doesn’t have experience with delivering a LBWC baby the other docs don’t either and I’d rather not “spring” this on someone! At least my doctor knows what we’re bringing to the table. (no pun intended)

So, now Brian and I have a lot of things to do and about 6 weeks to do them. I hope we can have some time alone soon so we can talk about everything without having the kids around. We have a lot of serious and hard decisions to make. They are listening to every word and I can tell they are concerned. [Read more…]

7:00 am – Mommy’s “wake up to pee” kicks
9:20 am – morning exercise
11:00 am – kicks and wiggles
1:15 pm – after-lunch happy dance
3:15 pm – soccer practice
6:00 pm – “Daddy, I’m home!” dance
9:00 pm – evening excercise
11:15 pm – “last dance” for the night (that Mommy knows of!)

Sometimes he likes to change it up, but this is his regularly scheduled programming.

Just a quick note to say that my little man has been all wiggles this weekend. I wonder if he’s trying to roll over; bless his dear little heart. I love feeling him move around!

Always a dangerous thing but we have to do this.

I had an OB appointment today. Our doctor was nice enough to read the letter that they sent to her from Philly. We got another missing piece of info… Gabriel’s heart is perfectly normal! YAY! In my mind this makes the chances for a live birth much much greater.

The plan from here is for Brian and me to talk and decide when we want to schedule the c-section. Dr. M is going to check with the hospital to see how early we can deliver – even if we decide we want to wait until 39 weeks – just so she knows. Then we will work on our birth plan so that we can be sure that all of the care team is aware of our wishes. It’s hard for me to grasp that only 8-10 weeks from now we will be meeting our baby boy. And we quite possibly could be saying goodbye.

So, that’s where we stand today. Please pray for us as we face these decisions. Pray for clarity and guidance on the timing and the plan. Pray for our hearts and minds and that we would not lose hope. And PLEASE continue to pray for a miracle of healing.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

First – we survived the first week of kindergarten. By we I mean Brian and me. Chloe had a great time!

I had a hard day yesterday. We were cleaning out our room in what seems to be a constant preparation to sell the house. We were taking boxes out to the garage but kept the last one inside. This was Felix’s box. I can’t stand that all of the tangible memories I have of my son now sit in a cardboard box. I decided to go through it because it had been a long time since I’d looked at it. I took out the measuring tape the nurse used to measure him and the teddy bear she took his picture with. (so tiny) I smelled the teddy bear and wow, smells really bring back memories. I started to cry. If I closed my eyes tight enough it was like I was smelling him. I know that may sound weird but don’t we all love to smell our babies?! [Read more…]

My oldest starts kindergarten tomorrow. She’s never been to daycare and my mom has been her preschool teacher. I’m a little nervous about leaving her with strangers but she is totally excited about it. A big milestone to celebrate.

Other big milestones to celebrate: she has her own blog and recorded her first podcast tonight. Look out world – here she comes!

Reality is sinking in. That does not mean that hope is floating away.

Since our appointment at CHOP I think that I’ve finally allowed myself to begin to really grieve for Gabe. In some way I think that I was so convinced that we would go to Philly and everything would change – that we would find out our docs were wrong. They weren’t (which is good and bad). I want you to know that I have cried a lot since we got home and I’m not looking at that as a bad thing. I am not always strong and confident and okay. I need to grieve the loss of a “normal” pregnancy. I need to grieve for my son. I need to let the emotions out and let reality in so that I’m not allowing my mind to fool me into thinking that nothing is wrong and everything will be fine. Fortunately, my heart has stepped in and allowed God to speak and say that this isn’t over and that He is holding us through it.

I read a great book this weekend called “Waiting with Gabriel” by Amy Kuebelbeck. She wrote about carrying her son to term with a fatal diagnosis and the short, precious moments of his life. It brought up my memories of Felix’s death and delivery and our time with him – all of the sorrow and joy in meeting and saying goodbye to our little boy. Then I became overwhelmed with sadness in this one moment and all I could think was “God, please don’t make us do this again! Please don’t ask us to bury any more of our children!” I really don’t want to choose another outfit or casket or bouquet of flowers for a baby’s funeral. I don’t want to only have a few hours with my son and then have to say goodbye; sending him off with strangers to some refrigerator to wait until it’s time to put his body in the ground. Can you hear my heart crying out? I want to keep Gabriel. I want to raise him and watch him grow. I don’t want my children to lose another brother.

So, while we all keep asking God for healing for Gabe, Brian and I are preparing ourselves for the worst. We are going to be working on a birth plan and we’ll also need to meet with the funeral home to get those details worked out before we’re in a complete mental and emotional fog. And somehow – without dashing the kids’ faith and hope – prepare our little ones to go through this with us, again.

Thank you for your love and support and prayers. It means a lot to us.