that baby smell

First – we survived the first week of kindergarten. By we I mean Brian and me. Chloe had a great time!

I had a hard day yesterday. We were cleaning out our room in what seems to be a constant preparation to sell the house. We were taking boxes out to the garage but kept the last one inside. This was Felix’s box. I can’t stand that all of the tangible memories I have of my son now sit in a cardboard box. I decided to go through it because it had been a long time since I’d looked at it. I took out the measuring tape the nurse used to measure him and the teddy bear she took his picture with. (so tiny) I smelled the teddy bear and wow, smells really bring back memories. I started to cry. If I closed my eyes tight enough it was like I was smelling him. I know that may sound weird but don’t we all love to smell our babies?!

Next I took out his clothes, hat and blanket. I lost it. I could still see him in his clothes. I could smell him on the blanket. I longed to have him in my arms. To have his tiny hand wrapped around my finger. I tried to remember what his head felt like in my hand. I thought of how little time we had with him. The regrets tried to creep back in. Brian was sweet and came over to hold me. I took out the photo album with his pictures in it. I’m so thankful for those 12 precious pictures.

I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I feel like I’ve come so far and at the same time the hurt is still so fresh. I know I’ve said this before but I don’t want that to go away because it’s real. It is part of the memories. I know we will be together again in Heaven someday. I don’t know what that will look like but I’m hopeful God will say to me “he was your son.”

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