Did you miss me?

My family took a trip with my in-laws to visit the Mouse in Florida.  That’s why I haven’t posted for a while.  That and I didn’t really have anything to say.

It was a good time.  There were parts that were rough, too.  Like the day I just sat and cried the whole time we were eating lunch because a small baby was crying at the table next to us and I wish we’d had one to chime in with her.  (really glad the milk has dried up because otherwise I’m sure I would’ve needed a new shirt)  I also about had a heart attack on the carousel when I heard a woman say “Gabriel!  Gabriel!  Smile, honey!”  Ugh, this really doesn’t get easier.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “Why did you go to Disney when you know there are babies everywhere?”  Honestly, it wasn’t my idea.  But how can you say no to your other children?  (the man-child included)  For the most part I was fine but those few moments were really hard.

So… Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and so on.  I still have shopping to do, which is neither stressful nor surprising.  I like to spread it out.  And, as usual, we have about 100 gatherings to go to starting this Friday.  There are Christmas and birthday parties, family gatherings (4 or 5 of them), my anniversary (#9) and a rehearsal and wedding to go to.  I really wanted to just hide and hibernate this year.  We’ve had a rough couple of years and I think that we deserve to do (or not do) whatever we want.  The problem is (for a few of these days) we can’t.  I suppose the truth is I feel like we can’t – in reality the wedding is really the only thing we absolutely can’t miss because Dylan is the ring bearer.  But, frankly, I don’t need the guilt from other people if we don’t show up for some of these things so we’ll go anyway.  Seems a little lose-lose when I put it that way, doesn’t it?

I’m really trying to get into the spirit this year but  I don’t really seem interested.  I’m going to try by getting the tree up tonight.  (yes, tonight, 9 days before the big day)  I am excited for the kids but I’m just not feeling it otherwise.

I know that once things get going I’ll probably be fine and enjoy the time but I’m not looking forward to it today.  (Do you like how I usually talk myself out of the funk-ish thoughts by the end of my posts?)

Time for another disclaimer: Don’t be offended if one of these events I’m not looking forward to is one you are putting on.  It’s not personal – it’s grief.

My love, my son, Gabriel Elliott Groce was born on Monday, October 19th at 12:05pm. We got to hear one little squeak from him.   I watched him move his mouth.  I felt his breath on my cheek.  He stayed with us a glorious, wonderful 32 minutes before going home to Heaven.  He was not in any pain and for that we are grateful.  I’m sure he and his brother are having a great time together.

He is just beautiful.  He has a good amount of hair and blue eyes.  He has his Daddy’s fingers and feet.  In the face he’s a great combination of his brothers.  Who, along with their sister, were able to meet him today.  My OB arranged for us to go to her office so the kids could come there to see Gabe.  They were so precious.  They had a lot of good questions but mostly just wanted to love on him.  Each one got their chance to hold him.  They kissed him a lot.  They told him they loved him.  We got great pictures.

I am doing well.  I am sore and worn out but I’m well.  I have never felt such peace in my life as I did during Gabe’s delivery.  Thank you all for your prayers as we certainly felt God’s presence in that operating room.  I will write out more of the details of his birth at a later date.  For now I just wanted to let everyone know that he is here and we are okay.

(update: I had the time wrong… he lived for 32 minutes!  I was drugged and not watching the clock.)

Here is a picture of Gabriel meeting his sister and brothers.

Our meeting with the nurse went very well today. She brought up everything that was on our minds. We’re going to have an extra nurse in the OR whose job will be to take pictures and video. I’ll get to have Gabe placed on my chest (with Brian helping to hold him there) as soon as they get him cleaned up. I’ll most likely recover on the unit instead of in the recovery room. I may also get to have the same nurses take care of me who were there when Felix was born. She also gave us some great suggestions for the kids.

I feel better about the planning process after today but it was still pretty emotional. (I know, big surprise!) It’s hard to believe we have less than 3 weeks to go now. I have 2 more things to schedule and get done… 1. call the NILMDTS photographer to schedule a maternity session and 2. meet with the funeral home to make arrangements. That last one I’m not looking forward to AT ALL. Especially after the last conversation we had. (you know, the one where I bought the plot for Gabe and the lady congratulated me on my pregnancy. yeah, really.)

So, as the time grows closer our earthly, human plans are coming together. My hope is that God will forgive us and still decide to trump all of this planning with miraculous healing.

First, let me thank you all again for covering our family in your prayers. We really have felt at ease.

Now, for the news. The news is… the same. They confirmed the diagnosis and, worse yet, the anticipated outcome. We got a better look at the defect – which we found includes the liver, bowel, stomach, and part of the right kidney. One end of his heart is also at the tip of the defect. I’m not sure what is wrong with the heart. It didn’t look “normal” to us. His spine makes a 90 degree turn not too far below the rib cage. His feet are okay, though. That was one thing that was better than what we had previously thought. Basically, though, there is just too much to fix so it’s not possible for them to fix it.

Their main concern is for my health. If I have any leaking, bleeding or contracting I am to call the doctor and go to the hospital immediately. Because Gabe’s cord is extremely short (I think the measurement was 4-5 cm) I am at risk for placental abruption. They were also concerned about uterine rupture due to my previous c-section. Neither of those things would bode well for me. SO, it looks like we’re on baby watch for the next 10-15 weeks. They wanted to make sure that the hospital back home has a good support system and we told them that they do. The OB also asked if we had used Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep when we had Felix. We did not because we didn’t know about it but I told her I had been looking at photographers and plan to contact one. (I would like to have a family photo shoot prior to Gabe’s birth – for us to have some family pics and so we can get to know each other; not meet under less than happy circumstances.)

So, there it is. It’s okay, though, because at least we know we had someone familiar with the condition assess him and can be comfortable that we’ve done what we can. And it’s not over yet. God has the final say and we will NOT stop asking for a miracle for Gabriel.

I’m going to wrap this up with some scripture. I signed up for the Beth Moore simulcast again this year. She will be speaking on Psalm 37 so I decided to read through it tonight.  I can’t wait to hear all that God wants me to get out of this as I stew on it.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…

¹⁸ The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.

¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

We will not wither, we will delight ourselves in the LORD.

(P.S. – please feel free to leave a comment so I know who’s out there!  :))

I had intended to post again before now.  This is REALLY long since I’m catching up.  I thought about splitting it up but decided that was too much trouble for me.

To take up where I left off… we had a nice trip to the Smokys with the kids.  It was quite relaxing and good for the soul after getting the news that we did.  We just decided to take it slow and enjoy creation and our children.

We told the kids about Baby G (who we now know for sure is Gabriel Elliott).  We explained to them that he has a hole in his belly and that he is very sick and may not make it.  Dylan, 4 and a bit too interested in death after last year’s events, then says “You mean he will die?”  I said “Yes, buddy.”  Then he went on to talk about his pizza and that was the end of that.  For the night, anyway.  I knew that Chloe needed to let it settle in for a little while and formulate some questions. [Read more…]

So, that last post… ugh.

We got some bad news at our ultrasound. Baby G was diagnosed with Limb Body Wall Complex – a very rare and fatal condition. What has happened is the abdominal wall did not close and most of G’s organs are outside of the (we think his) body. Like that’s not bad enough they have fused to the placenta. He will probably go full term but will die during birth or very shortly after.

I think I’m still in a bit of shock. I just shook my head and said “No, not again. I will not bury another child.”

So, we have 2 choices: induce and deliver in a few weeks or carry full term and deliver then. Either way, the outcome is the same.

As for choosing hope like I mentioned in the last post: believe it or not there have been a few moments where I have been able to. They have been few but they are there. I told a couple of my friends that we are going to beg for a miracle and prepare for the worst.

We have gone away for a few days to mull things over and figure out how to break this news to the kids.

Here is my plea: Please pray for healing for our son. That is the footnote I want in the textbook – “Doctors were unable to determine the resolution – he was miraculously healed.”