Life at the Groce(ry)

Wow.  This song is amazing – why haven’t I heard it before?

Today saw us back at the maternal-fetal medicine department.  We were given another ultrasound.  This one was much less hurried.  We were able to see so much more this time.  He has a 3-vessel cord but it is extremely short.  His heart rate was 141 and he was being a little stubborn.  He kept wiggling and giving the technician a hard time.  We did finally get an awesome picture of his face.  He is so cute!  I think he has Brian’s nose.  He kept putting his arm over his face so we have several pictures like that, too.  I asked the tech when she showed us his stomach if she could tell which organs were “outside”.  She said the stomach and probably the liver.  The rest is difficult to tell at this point in his development.  We also got to see how/where his spine is curved (it curves in toward his belly and then back out) and found that one foot is clubbed.

We were able to ask the specialist some questions.  She did say that she thought a C-section would be our best bet for delivery.  I agree and so does my OB.  She also said that intra-uterine death “would not be unanticipated” in which case I could opt for a vaginal delivery.  If he does go to term she does not expect him to live more than several hours.  (I will take that over nothing!)  When I asked how long we could expect me to carry him she said she couldn’t really say.  There is not a lot of data out there on this condition, especially since most parents choose to terminate once the diagnosis has been made.  So, I guess we just won’t be making any plans for the next few months.

So, this brings us to our next step.  We are going to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia next week for a consultation at the Fetal Diagnosis and Treatement Center.  There we will receive an MRI, fetal echocardiogram and ultrasound.  Then we will meet with the surgeon in chief and a high risk OB to discuss all of the results and the plan of care.  I figure we can’t get any worse news so we’re going to give it a shot.

I ask you that you would continue to pray with us for a creative miracle for Gabriel.  We desire so deeply for him to be a part of our family here on earth.  We don’t know God’s plan but we know that we can ask for anything in His name.

We went to the lake today.  Took the kids fishing – they had a blast.  They played on the playground while Daddy and Pa-pa G got the poles ready.  I took Gabe down the big slide.  I think he liked it.

We tried really hard to catch something but no such luck.  We didn’t come home empty-handed, though.  A very nice man had 3 fish that he wasn’t taking home so he filleted them for us and Gma cooked them for dinner.  I didn’t try any because darling hubby took me to a movie.  (Public Enemies – eye candy and armed robbery, something for each of us!)

I had darling hubby do a mini photo shoot at the lake.  I want to take pictures of Gabe in the belly everywhere we take him.  I’d like to make a scrapbook.  I try to talk to him and let him know what we’re doing and what things look like.  Sometimes he replies with a punch or a kick, so that’s nice.

My next OB appt is this coming Wednesday.  We’ll see the Maternal-Fetal medicine specialist before we see my OB.  I have many questions so I hope she’s ready for me!

So, how am I doing with this?

Well, I am doing rather well.  I really have God’s peace.  I know it’s from Him because otherwise I would be a total mess.  It’s really quite a strange sensation.  When sometimes my head tells me I should be melting down I feel like God just scoops me up and says “I’ve got you.”  And He does.

When I found out I was pregnant with Felix something just didn’t feel right.  To begin with I just chalked it up to not really being ready for #4 already.  Actually I think it was God trying to tell me to get ready because I have something else for you than what you expect.  But ever since I found out I was pregnant with Gabriel I have felt so peaceful.  I thought I would be constantly worried after losing Felix, especially since we really never did know exactly what happened to him.  Even sitting here now, feeling him move (as much as he is able) inside me, I really feel okay.

I have tried in my mind to come up with words on what it’s like to carry a child you have been told will not live outside the womb.  I don’t think I’ve been successful, but I’ll give it a whirl.  It’s hard.  Because I am preparing to write an obituary instead of a birth announcement.  But at the same time I am celebrating each movement, each moment, each week that passes. Because I am trying to squeeze a lifetime of love into what is now 17 weeks or less.

I want people to ask “How you doin’ mama?” like they used to.  I don’t want people to ignore me or the growing bump in front of me.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.  I want them to know that this time with my son matters just as much as the time I would have had (or could have) with him after he’s born.

I want to tell him everything about the world and about our family.  I want him to know the voices of his siblings.  I want to read books to him and play my favorite songs for him.  I want to tell him how much God loves him and that God will bring healing to him – either inside me or in Heaven.  I want to be his mommy now, every day that we are given to be together.

Okay, so I feel like I’ve rambled but that’s the jist.  It’s hard – but I have peace.

We were very fortunate to have our church family pray over us and over Gabriel this past Sunday.  We are asking God for a creative miracle.  We are asking God to restore Gabe’s body to wholeness.  We are asking that He straighten his spine, restore his heart, and place the organs back where they belong.  (and to fix anything else that may not be right)  Only God can do this.  And that’s just it – He CAN!

Which brings me back to Chloe.  Remember in the last post how I said she’d need time to let things settle?  She did and she has asked a lot of good questions.  But the best thing she has done is demonstrate all-out 100% faith.  She told me one night last week at bedtime after she had prayed, tears in her eyes (she’s 5 years old), that “God will not say no.  He knows how much you want Gabe to be part of our family.  He is going to heal him, Mommy.  He will do it.”  I just cried and hugged her and told her she was wise beyond her years.  She really believes it; I could see it in her eyes.  She made me believe it, too.

¹²I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. ¹³And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. ¹⁴You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.   -John 14:12-14

God will do it; He will do it.

Today I go for my first ultrasound of the new baby in my life. I have mixed emotions as the time approaches. The last ultrasound I had showed a still heart. This ultrasound holds the promise of a new chapter and I’m nervous about turning the page.

All the emotions are creeping back in because I’m coming up on the time that ended up being the end of Felix’s life. I want to give this baby my whole heart and be attached – but I’m not sure I’m able to just yet. I’m tyring but sometimes I feel like I buried my heart when I buried Felix.

I am living a new life; life after death. It’s hard and confusing but I’m finding I can still live. So, I choose daily (sometimes multiple times daily) to have hope. To choose to believe, really believe, that God is in control and knows what He is doing. And that this new life, this baby, is a promise – a promise that life goes on and that I am loved and I am strong and that I will be able to love again with my whole heart.

I hope it will start the moment I see baby G’s face.

Where do I start? Yesterday was Felix’s “birthday” – if that’s what you call it. We took the kids to the cemetery and placed some baby white tulips on his grave. Chloe proceeded to tell Dylan to stop “standing on his brother” because he was walking where the grass is trying grow. I had to laugh, which was nice to be able to do on that day. I thanked God for the beautiful weather, it really helped. We decided to invite the family over and we grilled out, played some Wii and enjoyed the company.

The 2-3 days before were really the hardest – all of the memories are still so vivid. I mean, I want to be able to remember everything – no matter how unpleasant – because those are the only memories I have. It’s still hard, though.

I think that over the past 3-4 months my feelings have improved. Brian said to me the other day that I seem happier than I have in a long time. I’d like to think that I have made some good progress. I don’t feel angry anymore. I still get sad sometimes but I don’t feel as bad as I had. I don’t want to presume that I have worked through it completely. God will have to let me know when that has happened. Still, overall, I can see the improvement, too.

I have finally decided what I want to put on Felix’s monument – now I need to get the design and get it ordered. Shouldn’t be too much longer now, I hope. Of course, I’ve been saying that about selling the house, too and you see how far we’ve gotten. (pretty much nowhere!) Oh well, if I’ve learned only 1 thing over the past year it’s that you can’t force things and you can’t make plans (on your own).

So, onto year 2. While I’ll never forget, I pray I keep improving as I continue to weave his loss into my life.

Look at what my 4 year old has been singing the past few days…

Come to the Father, come to the deeper well.
Drink of the water and come to live a tale to tell.
The pages are turning now, this is abundant life.
The joy in the journey is enough to make a grown man cry.

It’s from an Andrew Peterson song, Little Boy Heart Alive. I’m so glad she’s been listening.

I have been sitting in front of my computer for over an hour trying to get motivated to buy Christmas presents. It’s not working.