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Mar 30, 2016

the storm is brewing

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i can feel it in the depths.

i am trying to keep it down.

i am trying to keep it in.

the nightmare returns this time each year.

the storm is brewing.

i will try to be strong enough to keep the waves at bay

until the time i can be alone and let them crash freely.

with you, my sweet babe, the pain and sadness are all i have to remember you by.

i’m sorry it wasn’t as well planned with you.

i’m sorry i didn’t know what to do.

i’m sorry no one saw me hold you, saw me love you.

i do love you.

i do miss you

so much it tears me apart.

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Jan 22, 2015

what have i done?

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Some days I sit back and think… “What have I done?”

When I ask this it’s in the context of my loss. Have I done anything of value through my experience? Have I made a difference? Am I different?

Well, of course I am different. Gone are my carefree, nothing can touch me, naive days. But have I allowed my loss to change me for the better? Some days I’m not so sure… and I’m probably being too hard on myself in those moments. I want to be a better mother because of my loss. I want to be sure I am taking advantage of every millisecond of time I have with these precious little people. I don’t want to be angry or critical or “no fun” to be around. Again, I’m sure I see myself through a much tougher lens than anyone else does.

I’m not sure this post has a point. Just getting some of my thoughts out. I hope to be better. To be changed for the better. I can’t have gone through all of this for “nothing.”

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Nov 12, 2009

stand-ins

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I had read on several blogs last year that people had a special toy or item that they would include in their family photos to represent a missing family member.  I thought that was a neat idea so I have been looking for a Felix the Cat to have for our photos.  I finally found one I liked and it arrived today.  Here is a picture of Chloe holding him.

Chloe and Felix

He may appear in future photos so be on the look-out!

I have a few ideas for what I’d like to use as Gabriel’s stand-in but have yet to decide.  I’ll let you know when I choose something.

I’m curious… have any of you done something like this or know someone who has?

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