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Mar 30, 2016

the storm is brewing

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i can feel it in the depths.

i am trying to keep it down.

i am trying to keep it in.

the nightmare returns this time each year.

the storm is brewing.

i will try to be strong enough to keep the waves at bay

until the time i can be alone and let them crash freely.

with you, my sweet babe, the pain and sadness are all i have to remember you by.

i’m sorry it wasn’t as well planned with you.

i’m sorry i didn’t know what to do.

i’m sorry no one saw me hold you, saw me love you.

i do love you.

i do miss you

so much it tears me apart.

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Jan 22, 2015

what have i done?

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Some days I sit back and think… “What have I done?”

When I ask this it’s in the context of my loss. Have I done anything of value through my experience? Have I made a difference? Am I different?

Well, of course I am different. Gone are my carefree, nothing can touch me, naive days. But have I allowed my loss to change me for the better? Some days I’m not so sure… and I’m probably being too hard on myself in those moments. I want to be a better mother because of my loss. I want to be sure I am taking advantage of every millisecond of time I have with these precious little people. I don’t want to be angry or critical or “no fun” to be around. Again, I’m sure I see myself through a much tougher lens than anyone else does.

I’m not sure this post has a point. Just getting some of my thoughts out. I hope to be better. To be changed for the better. I can’t have gone through all of this for “nothing.”

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Sep 25, 2014

things kids say

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My kids are a laugh a minute. I mean it, you really never know what is going to come out of their sweet mouths! They understand humor (and, sadly, sarcasm), they quote movies like the grown-ups do… it’s a very fun time with them.

Also, sometimes, we get into some great, serious conversations. This is when they surprise me the most.

I was talking with Master D a couple of nights ago about Gabe’s birthday. It’s coming up soon and I was asking him what he thought we should do to celebrate this year. When I told him we wouldn’t be able to be at the cemetery on his actual birthday he was a little upset. When I asked him why he said “We always go to the graveyard and that’s where we should be. We should be with him where he is.” So I said to him “Well, you know that we can’t really be where he is because he’s in Heaven, right?” His reply was so sweet “But the graveyard is where his earthly form is.”

So much understanding of death for such a young boy. He understands that his brother’s body, his “earthly form”, remains here but that his soul is in Heaven. He has a connection with that little body as much as I do. He held it and kissed it and talked to it, just like I did. It matters because it contained his brother’s soul. He’s helped me to realize why people visit cemeteries when I couldn’t understand it before.

I promised him we would make it to the cemetery on a day close to Gabe’s birthday. And I promised to get the cupcakes (“or the cookies with a bunch of icing and sprinkles”) that he has made a tradition. He’s also asked for balloons this year because he likes that we did that for Felix.

I am so thankful that God put little D into my life. He is constantly challenging me to be better and to see other perspectives and think differently. I love you, D-bo!

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May 16, 2014

time to break the silence

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http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/RTZ_EmailHeader.jpg?utm_source=RTZ+LOCAL+LEADERS&utm_campaign=7c87d1d15a-Local+Leaders+This+is+It&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_e00bb4db83-7c87d1d15a-324496253

 

Tomorrow night is the global premier of Return To Zero! Please join us in BREAKING THE SILENCE on stillbirth, pregnancy loss and neonatal/infant loss.

This has been a 3-year labor of love for writer, producer, director Sean Hanish. He has gathered local leaders (like me!) from every state and province in North America, in every county in the UK, every city in Australia, in every country in Europe and Asia to help spread the word and give it the support and attention it deserves!

Stillbirth and infant loss awareness is very dear to my heart and I would love to hear from you. Your stories, your thoughts on the movie, whatever you are open to sharing.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me and all parents and families out there who’ve been affected by loss.

 

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Apr 11, 2014

six

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Today’s post is brought to you by the number 6. Felix has now been gone for over half a decade.

Last week, as is my custom, I took the week off of work for his birthday. This year we decided to spend the week with our dearest friends in the whole wide world. It was the first time our families would spend 8 whole days in a row together. I could. not. wait. (they moved out of state 11 months ago and life has not been the same since)

I have to admit, I was was also a little worried. I was worried about ruining our trip. Even after all these years I can’t predict what that week is going to be like for me emotionally. I wasn’t sure that they would understand if I got upset, or forgetful, or quiet (which I know they would think was weird) or angry. I often don’t realize what’s happening or why – even though I can read a calendar – until later and even then I might have trouble expressing it. I even was a little afraid that if I came up with something to “do” for Felix’s birthday they would think I was nuts.

I want to tell you something… my best good friends went out of their way to make sure that Felix’s birthday was special. (great, now I’m crying) We made tie-dye cupcakes and decorated them with frosting and all manner of candies and jimmies. I decided the night before that I wanted to do a balloon release so my bestie lead me to the nearest party store. We all wrote messages on our balloons and I took pictures of all of them. Then (after some effort) we all made it up on the hill out back and let them go.

It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life and I will never forget it.

I wasn’t able to tell my friends how much this meant to me. I could barely speak for fear of breaking down. (which would have been okay but I wouldn’t let myself because I still haven’t gotten comfortable sobbing around people, it’s not pretty) A lot of us in the baby loss community are not so lucky to have such understanding and supportive people in our lives. So I feel like they deserve some recognition. And to read what I couldn’t say.

 

Kurt and Jennifer,

      There are not words enough to express the depth of love that I have for you. I am so, so, so thankful that God put you in my life. Thank you for loving me and my family and wrapping your arms around us last week. Thank you for never making us feel judged or pressuring us to “move on.” Thank you for making us laugh and letting us shoot stuff. Thank you for pancakes and marshmallow gun fights and chocolate and movies and “Shkip-Bo” and “drinks all around!” Thank you for raising your daughter to be a loving friend to our children. Thank you for sticking with us through the worst times of our life and making the good times much more better. I love you, buddies!

 

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Jul 28, 2013

the moments

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I have really had a great July.  Birthdays galore, kid vacation, family vacation and a couple days at the world’s greatest race course.  The weather has been awesome and we’ve had a great time together.

 

And there are still the moments…

…when I am smiling so big at watching my oldest son blow out his birthday candles,

when I see my toddler pushing her boundaries,

when my oldest daughter dances in the sun,

when my 3rd born giggles so hard at everything,

 

and I miss them so much it hurts.

 

Behind my excited story-telling and celebrating and laughter there is the remembrance that I will never share these things with my other 2 sons.  Never bringing them to their first race at Indy.  Never walking them to the bus stop on the first day of school.  Never helping them build a light saber or watch them do tricks on the trampoline.  Picking tomatoes, riding a bike, planting flowers, wrestling with each other, hugging their Daddy, cuddling their Mommy, climbing a tree.

All the moments I wish I had but never will be.

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May 31, 2010

the summer begins

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Well, let’s see… I now have a Kindergarten graduate and a new nephew! It’s been a busy week around here.

I can’t believe that Chloe has finished her first year of school. It just flew by! She is so excited to move on to first grade and to have her brother join her at her school next year. She has learned and grown so much this year it’s just amazing. I am so proud of her.

On May 26th at 8:56pm I became an aunt for the first time. My nephew, Sean, is just adorable. Just the right size with a head full of blonde hair. He is precious. Brian said that, even though it hasn’t been too long, he felt like it had been forever since he held a baby that small. (It didn’t look like he’d lost his touch to me, though.) I was so glad that I got to the hospital to see him less than an hour after he was born. It was so different to be on the other side. And I still can’t believe my baby brother is a Daddy! Over the last 5 days we’ve had fun getting to cuddle with Sean. The kids have each taken turns holding him. They have loved every minute of it.

Of course this brought back memories for us but it also brought back memories for the kids. One time when Dylan was holding him he said to me “Mommy, when you have another baby boy what is alive he will look like Sean.” (he says “what” instead of “who” or “that” – I think he’s watched too much Pirate stuff.) That was sad. Then when Chloe was holding him she cried a little. Not hard but just enough for a tear or two to run down her face. I know this had to be hard on her. She is SO excited to have a cousin but I can’t help remembering the tears she shed the night we had to take Gabe from her arms forever.

That being said we are all totally excited that Peanut is finally here; safe, sound and healthy! I’m going to have a good time spoiling him.

Other things I’m thinking about (or not)…

The boys’ monument should be here in the next week or two. I’m trying not to think about that.

I’m looking forward to the summer. Now that we’ll have 2 kids in school it’s really becoming evident that time is short and I don’t want to miss a thing. I hope there are some great adventures out there for us this summer.

I think people are starting to wonder (and may even be close to asking) if we’re going to have any more children. Honestly, I don’t know. And for the first time in many years I don’t even want to think about it. I’m taking the summer off and I’m not going to worry about it. I’m just going to try to enjoy life for a while.

So, here’s to summer 2010. Hope it’s full of joyful times.

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Apr 19, 2010

a letter for my son, 6 months later

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My dear, sweet Gabriel.

What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I miss you more than mere words can express. I miss your sweet little face and your soft hair. I miss your hands and your adorable feet. I wish I could snuggle you and kiss you and love on you.

I finally got up the nerve to watch some of the video of your birth a few days ago. You had a rough ride coming into this world. But you made a sweet cry. Just one, but it is one that I will treasure forever. It took the nurses 5 minutes to get you over to us. I was starting to freak out a little because I didn’t want to miss out on you while you were here. Then your Daddy took you tenderly from the nurse and checked you out. Then he showed you to me. You were so handsome. You tried to open your eyes to look at me. It’s okay that you couldn’t.

I couldn’t watch any more. I couldn’t watch the part where the doctor told us you were gone. I couldn’t bear that just yet.

I want to tell you that I am proud of you. You were so strong and so brave. I can’t imagine what you went through, nor what awaited you when you left us. I know that you aren’t in pain and that you can play and run. I hope you are doing those things with your brother, Felix.

I want you to know that I think of you and your brother every moment. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I long with every beat of my heart for the day we will be together again.

I love you, my sweet, sweet boy.

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Apr 10, 2010

2nd anniversay – Felix David Groce, April 4, 2008

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Last Friday, Good Friday, was 2 years since Felix died. Last Sunday, Easter Sunday, was 2 years since Felix was born.

I have been trying for the last two weeks to write some deeply profound post about this “coincidence” but I have not been successful. Perhaps I never slowed my mind or heart long enough to let it sink in. I really felt like maybe I could learn something from this. I did have the thought (several times) that God understands my pain. He lost His Son, too, you know. But there was a part of me that kept saying “Yeah, well He got His back after a few days!” How awful and ugly and disgusting is that thought?! It is a very selfish, human thought. Maybe that’s why I stopped thinking about it.

We did get away for a day and night. We took the kids to southern Indiana to Marengo Cave. We did both tours and the kids loved it! Then we spent the night in a small Indiana town (Princeton), enjoyed some local pizza, the hotel pool and Final Four basketball before bed. On Sunday we went to Brazil to celebrate Easter with my PaPa J. He was delighted to have us all there. We had fun hunting eggs with the kids and my cousin’s son, Payton. It was the first Easter I can remember that I wasn’t in church. It was very strange.

Monday I took the day off and we went to order the boys’ headstone. We got it all planned out and ordered. It was FREAKIN’ expensive. ($3800) We paid half on it and we’ll owe the other half in 4-6 weeks and I honestly have no idea how we’re going to come up with the rest of the money. Brian’s business has slowed WAAAAY down and about all he can do now is pay his office rent. Which means we don’t get a paycheck from him. Which means we’re trying to live off of my salary alone and that’s not gonna cut it. Needless to say it’s a bit stressful at the Groce home right now.

Anywho… we got the proof of the monument on Thursday and it looks just like what we asked for. But I cried and cried when I looked at it. It’s just awful to see a headstone with your children’s names on it. And it’s just a picture. I can’t imagine what I’ll do when I see the real thing. My friend who lost her son beat his monument until her hand was bloody. I’ll try not to do that. When it comes in I’ll post a picture.

Next to come down the pike (April 19th) is the 6-month “anniversary” of Gabriel’s birth and death. A co-worker of mine had his wife bring their baby who is 7 months old now come to visit this past week. She is just a doll but all I could think of was the things that Gabriel would have been doing right now. 6 months is such a fun age because they begin to really interact with the world around them. They begin to sit up and they blow spit bubbles and make lots of noise. They are so curious and so clingy to Mommy and Daddy. My heart just aches over what we are missing.

So, if you would, please pray for our little family. We need peace and comfort (and, although this is embarrassing, money) right now.

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Mar 22, 2010

get away

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I just realized I have taken one trip a month since December. I want to go somewhere again. I have not the money to accomplish this. Oh well.

Brian and I are working on what we’d like to do for Felix’s birthday. It falls on Easter this year. Great. I don’t really feel like having people over for cake. I know that there are other people who miss him but I feel like it’s such a private day. Maybe because of the circumstances of his death and birth. I don’t really know why, it’s just not a day I feel like sharing with anyone but my husband. (and the kids, I guess) Has anyone else felt like this? I have read about people having cake and releasing balloons and the like but I don’t think I’m there just yet.

I’d just like to get away.

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