Tomorrow I turn 30. It doesn’t really bother me, maybe I’ll feel like a grown-up now. Probably not.

Anyway, I am not really enjoying July so far. I mean, I have had some fun times but all of it has sadness running just below it. It’s just so hard because when you are pregnant you have all kinds of thoughts and make all kinds of plans. I had figured out just how enormous I would be come 4th of July. And I figured I would be waiting on pins and needles with excitement around my birthday for Felix to come. He and Dylan had the same due date, 7/22. Dylan was born on July 8th. (He had a great birthday, by the way. And we’re finally getting some potty training done! He peed on me tonight but he was sitting on the potty when he did it so that’s a start.) Part of me wishes I could just skip July and move on. But that’s not the way of it.

I keep trying to talk out my feelings with Brian but it is so hard. There are a lot of times when all I can do is cry; I can’t talk to him about it at all. I’m still pretty hormonal/moody. I feel awful because the kids get the brunt of that. I don’t want their lives and my relationship with them ruined because I can’t control my emotions. I want to try to get to the support group at the hospital next month. I think it might help for me to talk to people who have been through it. I can tell my family and my friends about what I’m feeling but what can I expect them to say? I can’t expect them to even begin to understand or know what to say. I’m sure this is hard for them, too. Not just the loss of Felix but the loss of knowing how to help.

Well, I’m kind of rambling but the jist of this is I am just not happy right now. I hope that you understand that and don’t take it personally. I’m not usually down or quiet so I don’t want my being that way to worry anyone. I know I’ll get this worked through eventually. It’s just going to take a lot of time, energy, patience, understanding and love.

Here’s to the next 30 years.

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