Home » baby loss birthday
Mar 30, 2016

the storm is brewing

By · Leave a Comment

i can feel it in the depths.

i am trying to keep it down.

i am trying to keep it in.

the nightmare returns this time each year.

the storm is brewing.

i will try to be strong enough to keep the waves at bay

until the time i can be alone and let them crash freely.

with you, my sweet babe, the pain and sadness are all i have to remember you by.

i’m sorry it wasn’t as well planned with you.

i’m sorry i didn’t know what to do.

i’m sorry no one saw me hold you, saw me love you.

i do love you.

i do miss you

so much it tears me apart.

Filed Under: speak · Tagged: , , ,
Sep 25, 2014

things kids say

By · Leave a Comment

My kids are a laugh a minute. I mean it, you really never know what is going to come out of their sweet mouths! They understand humor (and, sadly, sarcasm), they quote movies like the grown-ups do… it’s a very fun time with them.

Also, sometimes, we get into some great, serious conversations. This is when they surprise me the most.

I was talking with Master D a couple of nights ago about Gabe’s birthday. It’s coming up soon and I was asking him what he thought we should do to celebrate this year. When I told him we wouldn’t be able to be at the cemetery on his actual birthday he was a little upset. When I asked him why he said “We always go to the graveyard and that’s where we should be. We should be with him where he is.” So I said to him “Well, you know that we can’t really be where he is because he’s in Heaven, right?” His reply was so sweet “But the graveyard is where his earthly form is.”

So much understanding of death for such a young boy. He understands that his brother’s body, his “earthly form”, remains here but that his soul is in Heaven. He has a connection with that little body as much as I do. He held it and kissed it and talked to it, just like I did. It matters because it contained his brother’s soul. He’s helped me to realize why people visit cemeteries when I couldn’t understand it before.

I promised him we would make it to the cemetery on a day close to Gabe’s birthday. And I promised to get the cupcakes (“or the cookies with a bunch of icing and sprinkles”) that he has made a tradition. He’s also asked for balloons this year because he likes that we did that for Felix.

I am so thankful that God put little D into my life. He is constantly challenging me to be better and to see other perspectives and think differently. I love you, D-bo!

Filed Under: speak · Tagged: , , , , ,
Apr 11, 2014

six

By · Leave a Comment

Today’s post is brought to you by the number 6. Felix has now been gone for over half a decade.

Last week, as is my custom, I took the week off of work for his birthday. This year we decided to spend the week with our dearest friends in the whole wide world. It was the first time our families would spend 8 whole days in a row together. I could. not. wait. (they moved out of state 11 months ago and life has not been the same since)

I have to admit, I was was also a little worried. I was worried about ruining our trip. Even after all these years I can’t predict what that week is going to be like for me emotionally. I wasn’t sure that they would understand if I got upset, or forgetful, or quiet (which I know they would think was weird) or angry. I often don’t realize what’s happening or why – even though I can read a calendar – until later and even then I might have trouble expressing it. I even was a little afraid that if I came up with something to “do” for Felix’s birthday they would think I was nuts.

I want to tell you something… my best good friends went out of their way to make sure that Felix’s birthday was special. (great, now I’m crying) We made tie-dye cupcakes and decorated them with frosting and all manner of candies and jimmies. I decided the night before that I wanted to do a balloon release so my bestie lead me to the nearest party store. We all wrote messages on our balloons and I took pictures of all of them. Then (after some effort) we all made it up on the hill out back and let them go.

It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life and I will never forget it.

I wasn’t able to tell my friends how much this meant to me. I could barely speak for fear of breaking down. (which would have been okay but I wouldn’t let myself because I still haven’t gotten comfortable sobbing around people, it’s not pretty) A lot of us in the baby loss community are not so lucky to have such understanding and supportive people in our lives. So I feel like they deserve some recognition. And to read what I couldn’t say.

 

Kurt and Jennifer,

      There are not words enough to express the depth of love that I have for you. I am so, so, so thankful that God put you in my life. Thank you for loving me and my family and wrapping your arms around us last week. Thank you for never making us feel judged or pressuring us to “move on.” Thank you for making us laugh and letting us shoot stuff. Thank you for pancakes and marshmallow gun fights and chocolate and movies and “Shkip-Bo” and “drinks all around!” Thank you for raising your daughter to be a loving friend to our children. Thank you for sticking with us through the worst times of our life and making the good times much more better. I love you, buddies!

 

Filed Under: speak · Tagged: , , , , ,
Apr 19, 2010

a letter for my son, 6 months later

By · 3 Comments

My dear, sweet Gabriel.

What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I miss you more than mere words can express. I miss your sweet little face and your soft hair. I miss your hands and your adorable feet. I wish I could snuggle you and kiss you and love on you.

I finally got up the nerve to watch some of the video of your birth a few days ago. You had a rough ride coming into this world. But you made a sweet cry. Just one, but it is one that I will treasure forever. It took the nurses 5 minutes to get you over to us. I was starting to freak out a little because I didn’t want to miss out on you while you were here. Then your Daddy took you tenderly from the nurse and checked you out. Then he showed you to me. You were so handsome. You tried to open your eyes to look at me. It’s okay that you couldn’t.

I couldn’t watch any more. I couldn’t watch the part where the doctor told us you were gone. I couldn’t bear that just yet.

I want to tell you that I am proud of you. You were so strong and so brave. I can’t imagine what you went through, nor what awaited you when you left us. I know that you aren’t in pain and that you can play and run. I hope you are doing those things with your brother, Felix.

I want you to know that I think of you and your brother every moment. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I long with every beat of my heart for the day we will be together again.

I love you, my sweet, sweet boy.

Filed Under: speak · Tagged: , , , ,
Mar 22, 2010

get away

By · 1 Comment

I just realized I have taken one trip a month since December. I want to go somewhere again. I have not the money to accomplish this. Oh well.

Brian and I are working on what we’d like to do for Felix’s birthday. It falls on Easter this year. Great. I don’t really feel like having people over for cake. I know that there are other people who miss him but I feel like it’s such a private day. Maybe because of the circumstances of his death and birth. I don’t really know why, it’s just not a day I feel like sharing with anyone but my husband. (and the kids, I guess) Has anyone else felt like this? I have read about people having cake and releasing balloons and the like but I don’t think I’m there just yet.

I’d just like to get away.

Filed Under: speak · Tagged: , , , , ,