never

I thought I should try to post again. I’m not really sure where this is going, but here we go…

For about the last week I have been pretty steady emotionally. Well, actually it seems that I just haven’t been emotional. I thought I was doing pretty well. Then the tears came back today. We got a CD of Felix’s pictures in the mail. I looked at them tonight. That went alright because they are pictures we have prints of that I’ve looked at over and over again. But I was checking up on some friends’ blogs and saw pictures of little kids and I got choked up. Also I was watching a re-run of John & Kate plus 8 when the twins were celebrating their birthday. It just reminded me that we will never get to do that with Felix. It hurt. One tradition I’ve made with the kids is making their 1st birthday cake myself. (Chloe: butterfly, Dylan: Cookie Monster, Ezra: dinosaur) For Felix, I made a flower arrangement for his funeral.

I guess this is one of those times that will come along when the thoughts and emotions will sneak up on me. (or maybe my hormones are shifting again) I’ll probably get a little teary as we drive into the Smoky Mountains next week, too. That is one place we love to go and he’ll never get to see it. Never… he’ll never get to see his siblings or pick dandelions or spill his milk on the floor. I’ll never get to read him a bedtime story or give him a bath or give him “eskimo” kisses.

All of the “nevers” are almost unbearable.