six

Today’s post is brought to you by the number 6. Felix has now been gone for over half a decade.

Last week, as is my custom, I took the week off of work for his birthday. This year we decided to spend the week with our dearest friends in the whole wide world. It was the first time our families would spend 8 whole days in a row together. I could. not. wait. (they moved out of state 11 months ago and life has not been the same since)

I have to admit, I was was also a little worried. I was worried about ruining our trip. Even after all these years I can’t predict what that week is going to be like for me emotionally. I wasn’t sure that they would understand if I got upset, or forgetful, or quiet (which I know they would think was weird) or angry. I often don’t realize what’s happening or why – even though I can read a calendar – until later and even then I might have trouble expressing it. I even was a little afraid that if I came up with something to “do” for Felix’s birthday they would think I was nuts.

I want to tell you something… my best good friends went out of their way to make sure that Felix’s birthday was special. (great, now I’m crying) We made tie-dye cupcakes and decorated them with frosting and all manner of candies and jimmies. I decided the night before that I wanted to do a balloon release so my bestie lead me to the nearest party store. We all wrote messages on our balloons and I took pictures of all of them. Then (after some effort) we all made it up on the hill out back and let them go.

It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life and I will never forget it.

I wasn’t able to tell my friends how much this meant to me. I could barely speak for fear of breaking down. (which would have been okay but I wouldn’t let myself because I still haven’t gotten comfortable sobbing around people, it’s not pretty) A lot of us in the baby loss community are not so lucky to have such understanding and supportive people in our lives. So I feel like they deserve some recognition. And to read what I couldn’t say.

 

Kurt and Jennifer,

      There are not words enough to express the depth of love that I have for you. I am so, so, so thankful that God put you in my life. Thank you for loving me and my family and wrapping your arms around us last week. Thank you for never making us feel judged or pressuring us to “move on.” Thank you for making us laugh and letting us shoot stuff. Thank you for pancakes and marshmallow gun fights and chocolate and movies and “Shkip-Bo” and “drinks all around!” Thank you for raising your daughter to be a loving friend to our children. Thank you for sticking with us through the worst times of our life and making the good times much more better. I love you, buddies!