hallelujah

I have been a little nervous about writing on here for a while. That’s because I am pregnant again. And not “only just” but today I scheduled my c-section for July 15th.

I was nervous because I don’t want to drive anyone away who came looking for some comfort and reassurance during their time of grief. I know how much it hurts to hear that someone else is having a baby when yours was taken away. It stings and seems unfair. Even though you are happy sometimes you secretly want to slap them. (What? You know it’s true. I just said it out loud.)

For so long I’ve felt like I had no real group to fit in to. Most people I have met lost their first baby. And most had only lost one. Then most went on to have a healthy baby. I already had given birth to 3 healthy children before losing one, then I lost another and then hadn’t had any babies since. I figured I was just meant to go along to the beat of my own drum. (My mom would probably tell you I already do.) And I guess that’s alright.

I found out just before Thanksgiving that I was pregnant. I knew I was but tested just to have that visual confirmation. My husband and I were excited and scared all at the same time. We’ve done this pregnancy after loss thing before – unsuccessfully. We waited a little while before spreading the news. We ended up waiting 16 weeks before we told co-workers and most of our friends. It was (and is) nerve wracking. Quite the emotional roller coaster. But, thank God, she (yes, she) is healthy and growing just like she should. She’s very active – which is so reassuring – and I can tell she’s going to be a tough, sweet, stubborn one just like her mama. She has a very long nickname so to keep it simple I’ll shorten it to Hallelujah. (the name my 5 year old has chosen for her)

So even though it makes me nervous I thought you should know. Because I want to be honest with you. Because this is the next step in my journey. And because sometimes we are given another chance to trust and to hope and to love another little miracle. Hallelujah.