direction

I’m sitting here at the Blog Indiana 2010 conference.  None of the current sessions really have anything to do with me so I’m taking an opportunity to have some alone time.

Maybe I’ll know more by the end of the day but I’m not sure where I fit in.  I don’t really consider myself a Mommy Blogger.  I think I’m more like one of those people who puts her diary out for the world to see.  (well, not the whole thing, but you get what I mean)  One of those people who just blurts stuff out or dumps everything out and leaves it there – not to seek attention but I can see how it may look that way.  It’s more therapeutic for me than anything else.
What I’ve been struggling with lately is my presence online.  As I’ve run the circuit of loss blogs I see so many moms who have done something for other people.  A grief site, special keepsakes with our babies’ names, care packages… the list goes on and on.  I thought I wanted to do something, too.  But I don’t know what.  I feel like I’m in some different category.  Most of the moms I’ve met have already had another successful pregnancy and are in a different phase of life.  There are also those who don’t have any children.  I guess I feel like I am in the minority having had my losses after 3 successful pregnancies and no more after the losses.  Which leads me to wonder – is there anyone out there like me?  Should I attempt to be a voice for us?  Do I even belong online?

I know that I would like to do something for people who receive a diagnosis of Limb-Body Wall Complex specifically because there are so few of us.  I would like to be able to talk with the parents who are not entirely sure they want to terminate even though that is (typically) the only option being presented to them.  I want them to know that it is worth taking the time to love their child while they cannot see them.  That their child has worth.

I have a site that I had tried to launch after losing Felix.  My thoughts were stirred again after learning about Gabriel.  So during this day I am going to think hard about whether or not to go forward with it.  And whether or not to change things around this blog.

I guess that, even though the hurt is still very real and the tears still come easily, I want this blog to be happy again.  Like it was 6 or 7 years ago when I started it.

So, if you think of it, say a prayer for me as I search out whether God is leading me this direction or not.

Comments

  1. Amanda,

    So good to run into you at BIN2010 and so sad to hear of your losses. I think if you listen to your heart, you’ll find where you fit in — online and elsewhere.

    Peace,

    Amy

  2. Christian Sumner says:

    I’m 24 and pregnant with my first child. My name is Christian Joelle Sumner. I have a loving boyfriend Kyle the father of my beautiful little boy Jake Karson Archer. We are 16 weeks pregnant and recently diagnosied with Pentalogy of Cantrell our childs heart, liver, stomach, and intestines are growing outside of his body. The letter i recieved today also calls it Limb body Wall Complex. I found you through that name. I’m so sorry to hear about your boys the thought of loosing mine has my arms and legs numb at this point i stay that way alot. Please write to me i think I also wrote your husband. I’ve never blogged before or wrote anyone a letter i guess like this. Please contact Kyle and myself I’m heart broken and looking for answers. I feel like the only place I can talk is to a stranger. All my sisters were pregnant with me and their childern are fine. 5 beautiful childern! So it is hard to discuss with them the way i feel. I need someone to talk to I look forward to going through with my pregnacy and at 16 weeks love my child to death. I hope this works right and you get my information. Please contact me…Thank You

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