expectations
Disclaimer: Today I need to vent and be real and honest about my feelings at the moment. I don’t wish this on anyone. I know that things will get better. I know that people are here for me. I know that God loves me and has a plan for all this. I know I will see my sons again someday. Just let me write these things today.
I’m a little grumpy today.
Not because the kids are misbehaving (they’ve been pretty good today). Not because I’m in pain (because it’s not too bad right now). Not even because my house is a complete wreck (not too far off from normal).
It’s because Christmas is coming.
It’s because there are Christmas commercials on TV. It’s because the kids have been singing Christmas songs and are watching a Christmas movie tonight. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to think about Christmas.
All of this brought on a “why me, why them” day. Why did it have to be my baby again?! Why did it have to be my babies ever? What about this could possibly “benefit” me or anyone else?? I’m all about helping people but why this way? I could have thought of a million different ways to help people while avoiding the loss of my sons.
I expected to be shopping for little baby toys and clothes. I expected to be putting a new “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament on the tree. I expected to try to be Santa in between feedings on Christmas Eve. But I won’t get to do that. Christmas is a time when we gather with our family – and ours is forever incomplete. This is Christmas #2 that I will be crying for a missing child; for missing children.
What I’m not expecting is for every day to be good or easy. I don’t expect to be happy all the time. I don’t expect my family and friends will expect that I be happy all the time. (thankfully) I just hope that if I do get upset, cry or get angry that they just let me and understand. I hope that if I need to leave a gathering (or at least take a time out) they will understand and not chase me or judge me, my motives or feelings. I don’t need anyone to try to “fix” it or make me feel better. I need to have the space and the time to be upset and to grieve.
My sons are dead. My babies will never spend one Christmas with me. I won’t get to read them the Christmas story before tucking them in on Christmas Eve. I won’t get to see the wonder on their faces as they see their presents on Christmas morning. I won’t get to see the reflection of the lights in their eyes. I won’t have pictures of them in a pile of wrapping paper or playing with the box the toy came in instead of the toy. Their stockings will be empty; their graves full.
So, maybe you can see why I’m a little grumpy today.
November 7th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
That post brought tears to my eyes! If you ever need to vent…call me! I am here whenever and for whatever you need! Love and hugs to you, Brian, Chloe, Dylan, and Ezra…as well as your princes in Heaven.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:46 am
You perfectly explain how I feel as the holidays approach. This will be the 2nd Christmas without Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. It hurts so much to even think about the joy of the season when I miss them so very much.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:28 am
You explain so well the feelings I have been having. It’s not fair that any of us have to feel this way. Last night I was having one of those “why MY baby” moments, and then I just got angry that it has to happen to ANY baby. I hate this whole thing for all of us.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Not that you need it, but you have my permission to grieve, cry, swear, whatever, whenever. You’ve more than earned the right. I love you always and miss them terribly.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I absolutely do see why you are a little grumpy. Sending my love xxx
November 10th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I wish there was someway I could take some of your pain away, but there isn’t. Just know that we love you all and that we are here for you. Bip