He will do it

So, how am I doing with this?

Well, I am doing rather well.  I really have God’s peace.  I know it’s from Him because otherwise I would be a total mess.  It’s really quite a strange sensation.  When sometimes my head tells me I should be melting down I feel like God just scoops me up and says “I’ve got you.”  And He does.

When I found out I was pregnant with Felix something just didn’t feel right.  To begin with I just chalked it up to not really being ready for #4 already.  Actually I think it was God trying to tell me to get ready because I have something else for you than what you expect.  But ever since I found out I was pregnant with Gabriel I have felt so peaceful.  I thought I would be constantly worried after losing Felix, especially since we really never did know exactly what happened to him.  Even sitting here now, feeling him move (as much as he is able) inside me, I really feel okay.

I have tried in my mind to come up with words on what it’s like to carry a child you have been told will not live outside the womb.  I don’t think I’ve been successful, but I’ll give it a whirl.  It’s hard.  Because I am preparing to write an obituary instead of a birth announcement.  But at the same time I am celebrating each movement, each moment, each week that passes. Because I am trying to squeeze a lifetime of love into what is now 17 weeks or less.

I want people to ask “How you doin’ mama?” like they used to.  I don’t want people to ignore me or the growing bump in front of me.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.  I want them to know that this time with my son matters just as much as the time I would have had (or could have) with him after he’s born.

I want to tell him everything about the world and about our family.  I want him to know the voices of his siblings.  I want to read books to him and play my favorite songs for him.  I want to tell him how much God loves him and that God will bring healing to him – either inside me or in Heaven.  I want to be his mommy now, every day that we are given to be together.

Okay, so I feel like I’ve rambled but that’s the jist.  It’s hard – but I have peace.

We were very fortunate to have our church family pray over us and over Gabriel this past Sunday.  We are asking God for a creative miracle.  We are asking God to restore Gabe’s body to wholeness.  We are asking that He straighten his spine, restore his heart, and place the organs back where they belong.  (and to fix anything else that may not be right)  Only God can do this.  And that’s just it – He CAN!

Which brings me back to Chloe.  Remember in the last post how I said she’d need time to let things settle?  She did and she has asked a lot of good questions.  But the best thing she has done is demonstrate all-out 100% faith.  She told me one night last week at bedtime after she had prayed, tears in her eyes (she’s 5 years old), that “God will not say no.  He knows how much you want Gabe to be part of our family.  He is going to heal him, Mommy.  He will do it.”  I just cried and hugged her and told her she was wise beyond her years.  She really believes it; I could see it in her eyes.  She made me believe it, too.

12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.   -John 14:12-14

God will do it; He will do it.

Comments

  1. Gama Lana says:

    Amanda, thank you for sharing so much of your heart and life on these posts. I sit here with tears running down my face out of love for you, Brian, Chloe, Dylan, Ezra, Felix and Gabriel.

    To love NOW, to love with open abandon and not guard your heart is the purest form of love.

    Celebrate each moment and live to the fullest!
    Love you and we are both praying.
    delana

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