Today I go for my first ultrasound of the new baby in my life. I have mixed emotions as the time approaches. The last ultrasound I had showed a still heart. This ultrasound holds the promise of a new chapter and I’m nervous about turning the page.

All the emotions are creeping back in because I’m coming up on the time that ended up being the end of Felix’s life. I want to give this baby my whole heart and be attached – but I’m not sure I’m able to just yet. I’m tyring but sometimes I feel like I buried my heart when I buried Felix.

I am living a new life; life after death. It’s hard and confusing but I’m finding I can still live. So, I choose daily (sometimes multiple times daily) to have hope. To choose to believe, really believe, that God is in control and knows what He is doing. And that this new life, this baby, is a promise – a promise that life goes on and that I am loved and I am strong and that I will be able to love again with my whole heart.

I hope it will start the moment I see baby G’s face.

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