Where do I start? Yesterday was Felix’s “birthday” – if that’s what you call it. We took the kids to the cemetery and placed some baby white tulips on his grave. Chloe proceeded to tell Dylan to stop “standing on his brother” because he was walking where the grass is trying grow. I had to laugh, which was nice to be able to do on that day. I thanked God for the beautiful weather, it really helped. We decided to invite the family over and we grilled out, played some Wii and enjoyed the company.
The 2-3 days before were really the hardest – all of the memories are still so vivid. I mean, I want to be able to remember everything – no matter how unpleasant – because those are the only memories I have. It’s still hard, though.
I think that over the past 3-4 months my feelings have improved. Brian said to me the other day that I seem happier than I have in a long time. I’d like to think that I have made some good progress. I don’t feel angry anymore. I still get sad sometimes but I don’t feel as bad as I had. I don’t want to presume that I have worked through it completely. God will have to let me know when that has happened. Still, overall, I can see the improvement, too.
I have finally decided what I want to put on Felix’s monument – now I need to get the design and get it ordered. Shouldn’t be too much longer now, I hope. Of course, I’ve been saying that about selling the house, too and you see how far we’ve gotten. (pretty much nowhere!) Oh well, if I’ve learned only 1 thing over the past year it’s that you can’t force things and you can’t make plans (on your own).
So, onto year 2. While I’ll never forget, I pray I keep improving as I continue to weave his loss into my life.
I’ve noticed the change in you too, Sweetheart. I’ve had a tough couple of weeks too. Still wish we could have known Felix here instead of later. Gathering together was a wonderful idea, though. I can’t imagine that anything could be worse than losing a child. Second has to be watching your child lose one. I love you, and I can see you growing in strength in the Lord. Continue your weaving; one day you’ll be surprised at the result.