getting all ecclesiastical
The last couple of days have been hard. I am watching my friend struggle through the most unthinkable nightmare. I was able to spend a few hours with her last night and that was good. I know I already said this, but I really hope that I can be of some comfort and help to her.
One thing that has surprised me is how emotional I’ve been and how my sleep has been interrupted. It’s more than just worrying about my friend… it’s stirring up some of the thoughts and feelings from those first few days after Felix died. Not that those are hard to find; actually, the tears still come quite easily. It’s just that, even though our losses are different they are still the same. We are mothers who lost a son. Both were sudden and unexpected and shocking. Both left us wondering how we’ll make it through this.
Another dear, sweet friend of mine came to ask me how I was doing today (in light of what’s happening). I told her I was okay. She asked if I was sure. I kind of nodded that “well, sorta” nod and I couldn’t really say much of anything else. She’s good at trying to get me to open the door in my wall. It makes me nervous to open it at work because there are so many ways it could play out… it could be as big as breaking the Hoover Dam, medium like overflowing the sink, or like stepping in a puddle of pee your dog left on the floor when she got a little too excited. (that last option does not sound very appealing) I never know and I would rather just keep it locked up from 9 – 5:30. (“Go away, or I’ll call the Brute squad.”)
What I want to tell her is no, I’m not really okay, I am hurting and I think all of this is unfair and I want it to be made right (my way). I want to tell her that I am still trying to figure out how this fits into God’s plan for my life and that it ticks me off that He chose to allow this to happen to me. I want to tell her that I think about Felix every minute even in the background of what is going on around me.
But I don’t want to dump all of that on her even though she asked.
I want to tell her that I don’t care about work – I’d start getting all Ecclesiastical… Meaningless! Meaningless! … Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless. What do I gain from all this labor at which I toil under the sun air vent that freezes me out? (loose translation of Ecclesiastes 2-3) How does a boss respond to that kind of statement?? 
Anyway, as you can see… I’m still a work in progress. And you can see why I hope I can help my friend.
