Yesterday my Ezra turned 3 years old. He is getting so big and so chatty. He is smart. He is funny. He loves to clean. He has the most beautiful brown eyes. He loves to dance. He loves to snuggle. I love his curiosity and energy. I love to listen to his whispered bedtime prayers. I love to get his good-night kisses.

And while celebrating this beautiful life God has blessed me and my family with I am reminded yet again of all the little things that I am missing with my two littlest boys. All the little things I will never know about them. And Ezra (and Dylan and Chloe) won’t get to know them, either. He tells me he misses them. He prays for them. He even asks me to save donuts for them.

Why did it have to be them? Why did it have to be us? I never asked for this. I never wanted this. I only wanted them. Happy. Healthy. Whole. Here.

I don’t know how else to say it. My heart just aches. For “your babies” (what E-man has taken to calling them) who aren’t here. For the other brothers who aren’t here. (Chloe calls Dylan and Ezra “the brothers”) For all of the birthdays we won’t celebrate together. For the wonderful, strong men I imagined they would be. For my family that will never be complete this side of Heaven.

My heart aches for yesterday… when babies didn’t die.


  1. Yes. Sometimes I so yearn for heaven.

  2. My heart aches too. For you guys, for us… For all of us.

  3. I almost sent you a message last night asking whether you, too, feel sad for the children who aren’t with you on the birthdays of your children who are here. I guess this answers my question! You said it better than I ever could. I know that feeling of being incomplete, never getting to celebrate a single birthday or holiday with the WHOLE family…at least not here on Earth. The happiest occasions are also the saddest occasions. Hard to make sense of that.

    I love you, my friend!

  4. oh Amanda…my heart aches for all of you…this thing called life is a lot of times too much to bear…we have lost so much through the years…the only thing that makes me smile is that Mimi is taking care of all of them for us till we get there…love you.

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