how i feel sometimes

This “poem” is one that I saw posted elsewhere with permission to reprint and personalize. As I read it, it was like reading my own thoughts. And I thought I should post something other than song lyrics.

Finding My New Normal

Normal for me is waking up every day, praying that this is all a bad dream.
Normal for me is going through my day, knowing that this is not what I had planned.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile, knowing that someone important is missing from all the important events in my family’s life.
Normal is seeing a bouquet of beautiful flowers and then, when I smell their fragrance, I am reminded once again of Felix’s death.
Normal is feeling like I can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand “what ifs” and “why didn’t I’s” go through my head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day Felix died continuously through my eyes, mind and heart.
Normal is having to continually be busy so I don’t have to think about how my life is so different.
Normal is staring at every pregnant woman who walks by who looks like she’s as far along as I would have been now and wondering, “why me?”
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of my broken heart.
Normal is telling the story of Felix’s death as if it were an everyday common place event, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. Then I realize it has become a part of my “normal”.
Normal is having some people afraid to even mention Felix’s name in fear of upsetting me.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is that after Felix’s death, everyone else goes on with their lives but we continue to grieve his loss forever.
Normal is having those closest to me not understand that.
Normal is listening to people compare events in their life to your loss. Losing a parent or grandparent is horrible, but losing your own child is unnatural. And, let’s not talk about your pet’s death…
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health and my family’s survival depends on it.
Normal is realizing that I do cry everyday and it is ok.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God. I know that Felix is in Heaven, but hearing people try to make up excuses as to why babies are taken from their mothers is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to me.
Normal is being too tired to care if I cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether I am going to say I have three children or four. Yet when I say I have three children to avoid the situation of explaining his death, I feel horrible as if I have betrayed Felix.
Normal is asking God why he took my child’s life.
Normal is knowing I will never get over Felix’s death. Not in a day, nor the rest of my life.
Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for me, so that everyone else around me will think I am “normal.”

I don’t feel all of this all the time, but this is a pretty good description of my life over the past 10 weeks.

I know I am better now than in the 3 weeks that followed Felix’s death. I was actually singing today. God is doing something with me and in me, I just know it. I don’t know what it is, or where it’s going but I’m trying to let Him do it.

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