Felix's story

I realized tonight that I haven’t shared Felix’s story. Here is what we experienced. (this is a LONG one!)

In the evening on April 2nd, I realized that I hadn’t felt Felix move since before lunch time. I thought at the time that he was probably sleeping because I had been moving a lot. I lay still in my bed going to sleep that night waiting to feel him move. I felt nothing. I woke up several times during the night and didn’t feel anything then, either.

In the morning on April 3rd, I was getting worried. Brian told me to drink some juice to get him going. I did that and went on to work. I didn’t feel anything on the drive there. I got some more juice once I got to work and still nothing happened. I told Laura that I was a little concerned about the baby, but I would give it until lunchtime. Chloe and Haley (and their grandmas) came to visit the office after their tea party that day. They were so looking forward to it that I waited to call the doctor until after their visit. Somehow, deep down inside, I think I already knew he had died.

I called the office and they told me to come in. This was around 2pm. I called Brian to let him know that I was going and to ask if he wanted to come. We decided at this point that instead of waiting for my mom to come watch the kids that I should just get there. (BIG mistake!) At 2:35 the RN searched for a heartbeat with the doppler. She couldn’t find anything. She sent me in for an ultrasound. I watched the tech looking around and around again with a worried look on her face. She then whipped her head around and said “Oh, Amanda, I’m so sorry.” I will never forget that moment. I was alone with this news and I was horrified. She showed me his heart, that wasn’t beating. She showed me his cord, which had no blood running through it. Then I asked her what we were having because, at my ultrasound the week before, we decided not to find out. She took a picture and then typed “Our Baby Boy” on the screen. It was so precious. She then printed the pictures for me and asked me to call Brian while she went to get the doctor. What do I say to my husband? How can I give him this news over the phone? I felt horrible. When he answered I just said, “They can’t find a heartbeat.” He was so upset and told me he would get the kids ready and they would come to me. I told him I would call my mom and have her meet him there to get the kids. (they gave him the hardest time getting ready, it took forever!) Before we got off the phone, I told him I had asked what sex the baby was. I said “it’s a boy.” I called my mom and that was awful, too. I managed to make that call without tears somehow.

The wait for Brian to arrive was the longest time in my life. They took me to one of the exam rooms to wait for him. I just sat on the table, by myself, crying and waiting. The RN came in once to say how sorry she was. Once Brian got there I really fell apart. He just held me and we cried. I showed him the ultrasound pictures the tech had printed for us. Then we had to start the decision making process. We decided that we did not want to wait, we wanted to go the hospital and deliver our son.

We took the kids home and told them what had happened. Chloe understood as best as a 4-year-old can. Dylan didn’t. That’s to be expected, though, because he’s not quite 3. Ezra was sitting on my lap, looking concerned but he’s too little to understand. So, we got a couple of things together, I took a shower and we headed out.

I’ll keep the hospital details short. It took 10 sticks to start my IV. 8 (or so) doses of Cytotec to get me to dilate and start/continue my labor. 2 trips in from the anesthesiologist for my epidural. First to put it in, the second time to actually start the pump (3 hours later). I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this ordeal alive.

24 hours later, April 4th at 9:31pm, Felix David was born. 1 pound, 3 ounces and 13 inches long. He was so small. He was so beautiful. He was so perfect. There was nothing wrong with him. Brian and I spent about an hour and a half alone with him after he was born before our family came in to see us. We didn’t tell them his name until then. I had the RN put him in the warmer so that our family would have the choice to see him or not see him. They all went to see him. I was so glad they did. I wanted to “show him off.”

After they all left for the night, we got something to eat while the nurse took him to get a bath and dress him. That didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to eat after what had just happened, but I needed to. She brought him back in a bassinet, just as if he were alive. She had taken pictures of him, wrapped him in blankets and even gave him a little teddy bear. We stared at him for the longest time. We sobbed, we prayed, we held each other. I slept for a few hours with Felix in the bassinet, right by my side. The next day we just held him and looked at him and kissed him. At the same time, we were making arrangements with the funeral home.

Then it came time for us to go home. It took us a long time to say goodbye. I lost it completely at that point. I was holding him tight and rocking him and sobbing. The nurse came in and said we could unwrap him to take the knitted blanket they had given him. We prayed over him and placed him back in the bassinet. Then we watched the nurse cover him up and wheel him out of our lives. It was the most heartwrenching moment of my life. Like someone had literally ripped out my heart and walked away with it. It took my breath away.

Brian and I left with empty arms and broken hearts. The only bright side to that day was going home to 3 beautiful children who had missed us terribly.

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