As I have been at work this week life, death and suffering have come to the forefront.

For those of you who don’t know, I work for a home care company in the pharmacy and nutrition services department. Basically I am in charge of providing patients with supplies to care for their IV lines at home and also provide formula and supplies for tube feedings.

Since I am the supervisor I have been covering for my friend who takes in new referrals for tube feedings this week while she is on vacation in Dubai. (and you owe me BIG time, Jen!)

This has stirred up a lot of thoughts and feelings about children with birth defects.

I wonder why God allows some to live without too many problems while others have all types of special needs requiring multiple therapies and meds and so on. I wonder why God allows others, like Gabriel, to be “beyond repair.”

I see so many kids who have admission after admission to the hospital. Some have had multiple transplants, others trying all different types of treatments to help cure their diseases – standard and experimental. Parents and kids fighting for their lives against things like cancer, short gut syndrome, cerebral palsy, pulmonary (lung) disorders… the list just goes on and on. And it makes my heart ache.

I like what I am doing at my job and hope that in some way it makes things easier on the families we serve. But sometimes it’s hard. Especially when I’m grieving the loss of children whose lives I fought for in the spirit but lost in the end.

Well, I did it. I survived my first week back at work. One of my staff called in the last 2 days this week so I was thrust back into coverage. I think I did just fine.

It really went much more smoothly than when I returned after Felix died. I really think the extra 4 weeks, and knowing what Gabriel’s outcome would likely be, made the difference. People were very glad to see me and were genuinely concerned about how I was doing. I am so thankful for the group of people I work with!

Friday morning I was chuggin’ right along, getting ready for work, wearing my Colts blue and overall just glad it was the last day of the week. Then it happened – grief snuck up in the unlikeliest thing… my hair. I know, crazy, right? Well, I was getting ready to leave the bathroom when I noticed a hair on the counter. When I went to pick it up I noticed it was in the shape of a “g” and I burst into tears. The first split second made me smile and say hi to him in my head. Then the hurt crept back in and I let it come. I remembered (like I ever forget) how much I miss him. I just wanted to be able to go into the boys’ room and pick him up and hold him and kiss him. But I can’t and never will again as long as I’m on this earth.

As the day progressed I started to feel better. But this was yet another lesson in grief. I don’t know when or where or how the sadness will come, but it will. And sometimes it’s okay to let it come. I will have to stay on my toes and be sure that I don’t let it consume or overtake me. I will lean on my Savior and ask him for comfort and peace in those times.

Well, hello there! How have you been?

I think I must have developed an aversion to the internet these past few weeks. I haven’t been blogging or visiting blogs hardly at all. I haven’t seen many of my friends, either. (only 2, actually) I think I may have qualified for hermit status.

And now, “Let us go out into the world!” (that was for my 3 sisters and my brother)

I’m not sure where the withdrawal came from but it must have been necessary. I’ve had a good few weeks and was even able to squeeze in that MUCH desired trip alone with my husband.

I go back to work on Monday and, today at least, I feel good about it. I am ready.

So, as I ease my way back into the blogging world, and the world at large, I’d like to know how your holidays were. Even your resolutions for this year. I’d love to hear about them. I’m not really one to make resolutions, per se, but I am going to do Project Life this year so I’ll count that as my first official resolution. I always need to lose weight so that doesn’t count. (maybe I should resolve to have that OFF the list? we’ll see how that goes.)

Thanks for coming by even though I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ll come visit you soon.

This week was hard.

I’m not sure what it was, really.  Maybe it was because it has been a month since Gabriel’s birth and death.  Maybe it was because every day was cloudy.  Maybe it was the hormones.  I don’t know.  But (and my husband can testify) it was just an awful week.

This is a hard road to navigate and it’s scary when things seem hopeless.  It is so easy to let the thoughts and the sadness get the best of you.  I hate this fallen world where we have to deal with death and loss.  Especially with children because you not only grieve for what was but also what could have been.  And because of that the grief will come and go until I leave this world.  That is a LONG time to be reminded of what is gone.  Hopefully for the most part I will be reminded of what is to come when I do leave this world.  A sweet reunion with my baby boys.  (If they’re still babies and if I know they were my sons.  That’s a conversation for another post, though.  Maybe.)

Without airing all of the details let me just say it was an unpleasant week.  There were a lot of rough moments.  I couldn’t control my emotions.  One minute I was screaming and the next I was crying.  If anyone had asked what was wrong I wouldn’t have been able to tell them.  One night Chloe prayed and asked God to help me get out of bed the next morning.  That was a crushing blow.  I think I did get up earlier the next day but my mood was not much improved.

I was not a very nice person and I have apologized to my husband and children for that.  It did help that Brian and I were able to be alone for a while yesterday – driving a couple of hours each way on our shopping trip we were able to really talk without worrying about what the kids heard.

Did you know that I wish we could get away alone?  Some of you did?  Oh, okay.  Unfortunately it doesn’t look like we can swing that before I go back to work.  You know, the whole holiday thing kinda gets in the way.

So after all of what went on this week today has been a good day.  I hope the rest of the week goes well.  It’s hard telling since it’s Thanksgiving but I won’t dread what’s ahead.  I will try my best to be positive and also to give myself freedom to take a break if I need it.

If you would, will you pray for me and my family?  Pray for protection from attacks of the enemy and for strength in our relationships.  Pray for clarity when my mind gets clouded with emotion and negative thoughts.  Pray for my husband because his stress level is higher having to take care of all of us.  Pray for peace and joy in the midst of pain.

I’ll pray for you, too.

Whew!  It’s been a few days since I’ve been here.  I think I’ve been hiding out a little.  I did a lot of running around this weekend (too much, in fact; I’m still sore) so that may have a little to do with it.  This post isn’t going to be anything deep or profound (if any of my posts ever are) but I feel I need to get back here.

My cousin and her girls came over from Illinois for a visit.  We had a blast!  It was fun to watch my kids with her youngest who is about to celebrate her 1st birthday.  Ezra was especially cute with her.  Then that got me wondering what Ezra would have been like as a big brother to Felix.  (and Gabe, too, even though I got to watch him with Gabe for a few minutes)

A friend of ours brought us dinner on Sunday night.  Her daughter is just a few weeks older than Felix would have been had he been born on his due date.  I kept watching her and wondering what Felix would be like right now.  I wondered if he would’ve been bothering  her or if he would be taller or walking as well as she is.  I also wondered what it would be like if our house was full of all 5 of our kids.  (oh, the mayhem that would ensue!)

I had a great time this weekend but it was also a time of wondering what I’m missing.  I know full well that these times will come and go as long as I live and I feel like I know how to handle myself when they do.  I know it’s okay to let myself be sad and long for our sons who are separated from us.  I know it’s okay for me to be sad for our other children who won’t get to be big brother and big sister to the brothers who are gone.

I also know that I can’t let the sadness and the wondering go on for too long because it isn’t going to change anything.

Okay, so maybe I became a programmer faster than you thought I would?  Actually, I’m married to one so I cheated a little.  I didn’t know he was ready to work on and launch the new look already.  It may continue to be tweaked so please be patient with us.  Hopefully we can get the family site updated next!  I may have a “black eye” post to make tomorrow…

We bought bunk beds for the boys last week.  Before that we had Ezra on a mattress on the floor and he must be having trouble adjusting to the bottom bunk.  It’s slightly too high for him to climb up on his own so we have some wooden steps that he uses to get in.  Since the move I have been going into his room to scoot them out of the way after he falls asleep just in case he fell out of his bed.  Well, I hadn’t made it back there yet tonight until we heard a thud… and then crying.  He ended up with 2 cuts on his eye – one on his eyelid, the other at the corner of it.  He wouldn’t let me put the frozen peas on it to help cut down the swelling.  He kept saying “I don’t want you!”  I told him that if Daddy took him that he would put the peas on, too.  Anyway, he’s doing well now.  He’s been sleeping next to me on the couch.

I guess now Ezra has a new look, too.  Fortunately it’s temporary.  Unfortunately it’s not as pretty as my blog.

I wanted to post some more pictures of Gabe.  I really miss him.  I know I keep saying that but it’s true.  He’s on my mind constantly.  Looking at pictures of him helps so I decided to share some more.  I’m working on my post about his delivery and will get it up as soon as it’s ready.  (I’m also working on creating my own theme for my blog – I’m not a programmer [yet] so it might take me a while!) For now, please enjoy these pics.  I found a couple where I look better and more like myself for those of you I’ve never met face-to-face. 

Daddy and Gabriel snuggling

Snuggle-bug

Gabe and Mommy (after a shower; boy do I look better!)

Brothers (Dylan and Gabe)

Proud Parents

Daddy and his baby boy

Sweet Dreams

Disclaimer: Today I need to vent and be real and honest about my feelings at the moment.  I don’t wish this on anyone. I know that things will get better. I know that people are here for me. I know that God loves me and has a plan for all this. I know I will see my sons again someday.  Just let me write these things today.

I’m a little grumpy today.

Not because the kids are misbehaving (they’ve been pretty good today).  Not because I’m in pain (because it’s not too bad right now).  Not even because my house is a complete wreck (not too far off from normal).

It’s because Christmas is coming.

It’s because there are Christmas commercials on TV.  It’s because the kids have been singing Christmas songs and are watching a Christmas movie tonight.  I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to think about Christmas.

All of this brought on a “why me, why them” day.  Why did it have to be my baby again?!  Why did it have to be my babies ever?  What about this could possibly “benefit” me or anyone else??  I’m all about helping people but why this way?  I could have thought of a million different ways to help people while avoiding the loss of my sons.

I expected to be shopping for little baby toys and clothes.  I expected to be putting a new “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament on the tree.  I expected to try to be Santa in between feedings on Christmas Eve.  But I won’t get to do that.  Christmas is a time when we gather with our family – and ours is forever incomplete.  This is Christmas #2 that I will be crying for a missing child; for missing children.

What I’m not expecting is for every day to be good or easy.  I don’t expect to be happy all the time.   I don’t expect my family and friends will expect that I be happy all the time.  (thankfully)  I just hope that if I do get upset, cry or get angry that they just let me and understand.  I hope that if I need to leave a gathering (or at least take a time out) they will understand and not chase me or  judge me, my motives or feelings.  I don’t need anyone to try to “fix” it or make me feel better.  I need to have the space and the time to be upset and to grieve.

My sons are dead.  My babies will never spend one Christmas with me.  I won’t get to read them the Christmas story before tucking them in on Christmas Eve.  I won’t get to see the wonder on their faces as they see their presents on Christmas morning.  I won’t get to see the reflection of the lights in their eyes.  I won’t have pictures of them in a pile of wrapping paper or playing with the box the toy came in instead of the toy.  Their stockings will be empty; their graves full.

So, maybe you can see why I’m a little grumpy today.

My dad stopped by the cemetery on his way to work and noticed that our temporary marker had been placed.  He called my mom to let her know it was there.  As he was reading it to her he read “Felix David Groce April 14, 2008″ and my mom said “the date is wrong.”  Then he told her there was a cross on it.  She told him “they asked for a dove.”  Then he called to let us know.  He went into the office at the cemetery to let them know and they said they would get it fixed.

This just excites me to no end, let me tell you.  (can you hear my sarcasm?)  First of all, they said they would call when the marker came so we could go out and place it.  That should have been last week.  Now it’s not even right!  So, we decided to go by to look at it.  I may post a picture once Brian gets it off the camera.  He is going to call the office to make sure they know what changes need to be made.  It makes me nervous about ordering the monument.  We checked over the paperwork for the temporary marker ourselves, twice, before he faxed it to the company.  It’s sad that we can’t trust people to be able to read and then transcribe what was written.  I think a large stone would be a much bigger pain to fix.  Hopefully we won’t have any trouble then.

Oh how I wish my biggest problem at this point was trying to keep Gabe from peeing on me when I change his diaper!  Instead we have to deal with stupid cemetery crap.

UPDATE:  Here’s a picture of the incorrect marker.

Two weeks.  Why is it that time seems to speed up after a tragedy?  Has it really been two weeks since Gabriel drifted into – and out – of our lives?  Ugh.

I have been recovering fairly well.  No fainting, no illness (well, I have strep throat but no vomiting!) and the pain has been pretty well controlled.  I’ve been trying to be still but that is hard with 3 little ones who still need Mommy.  Especially 3 little ones who don’t understand why God didn’t heal their baby brother. (more…)