I wish you weren’t beneath this stone;

in the ground, in the cold;

just being here makes my heart groan.

Only a short time you were in my life;

but what joy you brought, what love you gave,

though tinged with grief and strife.

I yearn for the coos and the wiggles,

for you walking and talking,

your smiles and giggles.

Your first trip to the ocean, your first day of school;

the skinned knees, the broken hearts,

driving your car, looking so cool.

Your wedding day… to see you look at your bride;

your sister and brothers and the whole family there;

and your Dad and me right by your side.

To then see you with kids of your own;

nurturing them and loving and laughing and playing,

and I’d secretly wish you weren’t quite so grown.

I hate this stone, I hate that it’s there;

I hate the vases of flowers and your names etched in the rock;

I want you here – it just isn’t fair!

But then I remember – you aren’t there…

You flew away Home;

into the safe and loving arms of Jesus,

you aren’t under that stone.

Someday I know we’ll again be together;

save a place next to you both, my little men;

and I’ll stay right there with you forever.

Though knowing why won’t make it better or clear;

I’ll still ask God everyday,

why it was He decided you wouldn’t stay here.

And in my brokenness I will stand;

I will love Him and praise Him,

I’ll rest in His hand.

Maybe I’ll know more by the end of the day but I’m not sure where I fit in.  I don’t really consider myself a Mommy Blogger.  I think I’m more like one of those people who puts her diary out for the world to see.  (well, not the whole thing, but you get what I mean)  One of those people who just blurts stuff out or dumps everything out and leaves it there – not to seek attention but I can see how it may look that way.  It’s more therapeutic for me than anything else.
What I’ve been struggling with lately is my presence online.  As I’ve run the circuit of loss blogs I see so many moms who have done something for other people.  A grief site, special keepsakes with our babies’ names, care packages… the list goes on and on.  I thought I wanted to do something, too.  But I don’t know what.  I feel like I’m in some different category.  Most of the moms I’ve met have already had another successful pregnancy and are in a different phase of life.  There are also those who don’t have any children.  I guess I feel like I am in the minority having had my losses after 3 successful pregnancies and no more after the losses.  Which leads me to wonder – is there anyone out there like me?  Should I attempt to be a voice for us?  Do I even belong online?

I know that I would like to do something for people who receive a diagnosis of Limb-Body Wall Complex specifically because there are so few of us.  I would like to be able to talk with the parents who are not entirely sure they want to terminate even though that is (typically) the only option being presented to them.  I want them to know that it is worth taking the time to love their child while they cannot see them.  That their child has worth.

I have a site that I had tried to launch after losing Felix.  My thoughts were stirred again after learning about Gabriel.  So during this day I am going to think hard about whether or not to go forward with it.  And whether or not to change things around this blog.

I guess that, even though the hurt is still very real and the tears still come easily, I want this blog to be happy again.  Like it was 6 or 7 years ago when I started it.

So, if you think of it, say a prayer for me as I search out whether God is leading me this direction or not.

Again.

It’s been a rough day. I remember the appointments. I remember the news. I remember the statistics. I remember the recommendations. I remember the phone calls. I remember the hurt and betrayal I felt.

I read through the post I wrote before we went for Gabriel’s first ultrasound. It made me remember some other things.

I am loved.

I am strong.

And I was able to love again with my whole heart.

In fact, I fell head over heels in love with my baby G.

We had the artwork done by a graphic designer Brian met through his consulting.  She did an amazing job creating the image from our description.  The words surrounding it are from the song “After the Last Tear Falls” by Andrew Peterson.

I can’t believe that Chloe has finished her first year of school. It just flew by! She is so excited to move on to first grade and to have her brother join her at her school next year. She has learned and grown so much this year it’s just amazing. I am so proud of her.

On May 26th at 8:56pm I became an aunt for the first time. My nephew, Sean, is just adorable. Just the right size with a head full of blonde hair. He is precious. Brian said that, even though it hasn’t been too long, he felt like it had been forever since he held a baby that small. (It didn’t look like he’d lost his touch to me, though.) I was so glad that I got to the hospital to see him less than an hour after he was born. It was so different to be on the other side. And I still can’t believe my baby brother is a Daddy! Over the last 5 days we’ve had fun getting to cuddle with Sean. The kids have each taken turns holding him. They have loved every minute of it.

Of course this brought back memories for us but it also brought back memories for the kids. One time when Dylan was holding him he said to me “Mommy, when you have another baby boy what is alive he will look like Sean.” (he says “what” instead of “who” or “that” – I think he’s watched too much Pirate stuff.) That was sad. Then when Chloe was holding him she cried a little. Not hard but just enough for a tear or two to run down her face. I know this had to be hard on her. She is SO excited to have a cousin but I can’t help remembering the tears she shed the night we had to take Gabe from her arms forever.

That being said we are all totally excited that Peanut is finally here; safe, sound and healthy! I’m going to have a good time spoiling him.

Other things I’m thinking about (or not)…

The boys’ monument should be here in the next week or two. I’m trying not to think about that.

I’m looking forward to the summer. Now that we’ll have 2 kids in school it’s really becoming evident that time is short and I don’t want to miss a thing. I hope there are some great adventures out there for us this summer.

I think people are starting to wonder (and may even be close to asking) if we’re going to have any more children. Honestly, I don’t know. And for the first time in many years I don’t even want to think about it. I’m taking the summer off and I’m not going to worry about it. I’m just going to try to enjoy life for a while.

So, here’s to summer 2010. Hope it’s full of joyful times.

- We signed off on the proof for the monument so it shouldn’t be too much longer before it’s here.
- I survived Mother’s Day. Pretty well. On the outside.
- My heart still hurts. A lot.
- I re-worked my flower beds and bought a plant for the boys. A Black Star Calla Lilly. I plan to put their temporary marker next to it.

Really, that’s the long and short of it. I may have a more thoughtful post in a day or two but I thought I should update you. Be back soon.

I love you, my sweet, sweet boy.

This is the sight I least want to see. This hole is the beginning of the end, in a way. The final tangible thing I am able to do for my dear, sweet sons who have gone home.

Soon this hole will be filled with concrete. Then, atop that cement pad, will sit a stone monument inscribed with the names and dates of those precious boys. The only evidence to the general public that they ever existed. It is a place to visit, to leave flowers and pictures and toys. It is also the place where I left 2 pieces of my heart forever buried in the ground.

I have been trying for the last two weeks to write some deeply profound post about this “coincidence” but I have not been successful. Perhaps I never slowed my mind or heart long enough to let it sink in. I really felt like maybe I could learn something from this. I did have the thought (several times) that God understands my pain. He lost His Son, too, you know. But there was a part of me that kept saying “Yeah, well He got His back after a few days!” How awful and ugly and disgusting is that thought?! It is a very selfish, human thought. Maybe that’s why I stopped thinking about it.

We did get away for a day and night. We took the kids to southern Indiana to Marengo Cave. We did both tours and the kids loved it! Then we spent the night in a small Indiana town (Princeton), enjoyed some local pizza, the hotel pool and Final Four basketball before bed. On Sunday we went to Brazil to celebrate Easter with my PaPa J. He was delighted to have us all there. We had fun hunting eggs with the kids and my cousin’s son, Payton. It was the first Easter I can remember that I wasn’t in church. It was very strange.

Monday I took the day off and we went to order the boys’ headstone. We got it all planned out and ordered. It was FREAKIN’ expensive. ($3800) We paid half on it and we’ll owe the other half in 4-6 weeks and I honestly have no idea how we’re going to come up with the rest of the money. Brian’s business has slowed WAAAAY down and about all he can do now is pay his office rent. Which means we don’t get a paycheck from him. Which means we’re trying to live off of my salary alone and that’s not gonna cut it. Needless to say it’s a bit stressful at the Groce home right now.

Anywho… we got the proof of the monument on Thursday and it looks just like what we asked for. But I cried and cried when I looked at it. It’s just awful to see a headstone with your children’s names on it. And it’s just a picture. I can’t imagine what I’ll do when I see the real thing. My friend who lost her son beat his monument until her hand was bloody. I’ll try not to do that. When it comes in I’ll post a picture.

Next to come down the pike (April 19th) is the 6-month “anniversary” of Gabriel’s birth and death. A co-worker of mine had his wife bring their baby who is 7 months old now come to visit this past week. She is just a doll but all I could think of was the things that Gabriel would have been doing right now. 6 months is such a fun age because they begin to really interact with the world around them. They begin to sit up and they blow spit bubbles and make lots of noise. They are so curious and so clingy to Mommy and Daddy. My heart just aches over what we are missing.

So, if you would, please pray for our little family. We need peace and comfort (and, although this is embarrassing, money) right now.

Brian and I are working on what we’d like to do for Felix’s birthday. It falls on Easter this year. Great. I don’t really feel like having people over for cake. I know that there are other people who miss him but I feel like it’s such a private day. Maybe because of the circumstances of his death and birth. I don’t really know why, it’s just not a day I feel like sharing with anyone but my husband. (and the kids, I guess) Has anyone else felt like this? I have read about people having cake and releasing balloons and the like but I don’t think I’m there just yet.

I’d just like to get away.