I’m not really sure how to begin other than I can’t believe it has been that long already. Somehow time just keeps marching on.

How am I doing 4 months later? It is still day by day. It is still up and down. (as this post, compared to the last one, will show) I sometimes wonder if there is an eruption brewing. Like I’ve stuffed away more grief than I realize and it’s going to blow before too long. There have been some rumblings in the volcano in recent days.

My husband and I are emotionally spent. We are stressed. We are trying to take care of each other but it’s hard when you are struggling with your own grief and worries.

So, we decided (since last Friday was his birthday) to take a quick weekend getaway. We made arrangements with our parents to share the kids (we are so lucky to live close to both sets of grandparents!) and we headed to Las Vegas with our two of our closest friends. We got to blow off steam and play and just forget about life for a couple of days. No deep discussions, no worries, just fun. It was great.

Then it was back to reality. You can’t run for long. One cause of my stress has been my job. I feel like I’m letting it take too much of my energy. I am a different person now than when I took this position and I am annoyed more and more by people who think this is the biggest deal in the world. People who are decades older than I yet act like middle school aged children. People who think that they are entitled to things or that they should not have to take responsibility for their own work (or do any work at all, for that matter). I am sick and tired of the hand-holding and the coddling and the whining – oh, the whining! I should not have to do this for grown people. If I am to endure these things it should be for my children and that would be a pleasure. I guess I am not really at a point in this process where I can lovingly show my coworkers that there is more to life than this. So, on I go trying to find ways to continue doing my job without exploding on someone who may or may not deserve it. Like last Friday when some of my good friends and I went outside and had a snowball fight at lunch time to keep from smacking someone. (Obviously, I’m not the only one who’s stressed at work!)

As time continues its seemingly endless march I will try to face it head on.

You knew this was coming.

So, what will tomorrow be like?

Will the hurt go away? Not likely. At least, not completely.

Will we have another child? God will have to make that decision for us. Honestly the thought of trying again frightens me. I don’t know if I can take that chance.

Will we have brought some good to the world through our tragedy? If we allow God to do the work He wants to do in us, yes, I believe we will. Who knows what it will look like, though.

Will we love without restraint? Will we NOT stress over the little things that mean nothing in the grand scheme? Will we cherish every single breath we are given? Lord, make it so.

A wise man once told me “Knowledge of tomorrow has not been given to us, and for that we should be grateful.” Only God knows what tomorrow will bring; all I can do is wonder about it. (NOT try to will it into being) My goal for “tomorrow” is to merely be a vessel, a vehicle for what God wants to bring to people. Whatever that looks like I hope I will recognize it.

This is a long, long road I’m on. Some of you are on it with me. Thank you all for sticking with me.

Here’s to all of our tomorrows.

After my post about yesterday I decided to write about how I am living today.

Today I make sure to talk about my sons. With my children, with my husband, with our families, with my coworkers, and sometimes with strangers. I am getting less and less shy about it. I feel like that is a good thing. Felix and Gabriel are my children and deserve to be shared with everyone. They were beautiful and strong and wanted. They are loved.

Today I am more honest about my feelings than I had been. I don’t always share exactly what I feel (and I don’t have to) but when it is appropriate, I do try to share. It isn’t easy to live each day as a mother who has lost some of her children. (I really need to think of a name for us. We’re not orphans, not widows, who are we??) But somehow God gives me the strength to get up and face each new day.

Today, even in the midst of such pain and wonder and sometimes still some anger, I live with hope. Hope that they did not die for nothing. Hope that God will use this for something. Hope that our other children will share their brothers with others. (actually Chloe already is) Hope that we will be reunited one day.

Today I am learning how to live a new and different life.

Yesterday my Ezra turned 3 years old. He is getting so big and so chatty. He is smart. He is funny. He loves to clean. He has the most beautiful brown eyes. He loves to dance. He loves to snuggle. I love his curiosity and energy. I love to listen to his whispered bedtime prayers. I love to get his good-night kisses.

And while celebrating this beautiful life God has blessed me and my family with I am reminded yet again of all the little things that I am missing with my two littlest boys. All the little things I will never know about them. And Ezra (and Dylan and Chloe) won’t get to know them, either. He tells me he misses them. He prays for them. He even asks me to save donuts for them. (more…)