So, that last post… ugh.

We got some bad news at our ultrasound. Baby G was diagnosed with Limb Body Wall Complex – a very rare and fatal condition. What has happened is the abdominal wall did not close and most of G’s organs are outside of the (we think his) body. Like that’s not bad enough they have fused to the placenta. He will probably go full term but will die during birth or very shortly after.

I think I’m still in a bit of shock. I just shook my head and said “No, not again. I will not bury another child.”

So, we have 2 choices: induce and deliver in a few weeks or carry full term and deliver then. Either way, the outcome is the same.

As for choosing hope like I mentioned in the last post: believe it or not there have been a few moments where I have been able to. They have been few but they are there. I told a couple of my friends that we are going to beg for a miracle and prepare for the worst.

We have gone away for a few days to mull things over and figure out how to break this news to the kids.

Here is my plea: Please pray for healing for our son. That is the footnote I want in the textbook – “Doctors were unable to determine the resolution – he was miraculously healed.”

Today I go for my first ultrasound of the new baby in my life. I have mixed emotions as the time approaches. The last ultrasound I had showed a still heart. This ultrasound holds the promise of a new chapter and I’m nervous about turning the page.

All the emotions are creeping back in because I’m coming up on the time that ended up being the end of Felix’s life. I want to give this baby my whole heart and be attached – but I’m not sure I’m able to just yet. I’m tyring but sometimes I feel like I buried my heart when I buried Felix.

I am living a new life; life after death. It’s hard and confusing but I’m finding I can still live. So, I choose daily (sometimes multiple times daily) to have hope. To choose to believe, really believe, that God is in control and knows what He is doing. And that this new life, this baby, is a promise – a promise that life goes on and that I am loved and I am strong and that I will be able to love again with my whole heart.

I hope it will start the moment I see baby G’s face.