Archives for May 2008

As I was putting Chloe to bed last night she started to get a little upset. I asked what was wrong and she said “I just really miss Felix.” I told her that I did too and that it was okay to be sad. And it’s okay to cry. She asked again if we would all see Felix in Heaven someday and I said yes. Then she asked if we would all die at the same time. I told her probably not but that we never know when it will happen – just like with Felix. She then asked “But you told me that day you were wearing the red shirt and a ponytail. How did you know?” That blew me away. I could not believe (even though it’s only been 2 months – a long time for a preschooler) that she remembered what I looked like when we told her that her brother had died. Then she asked if he was in the white box we sat next to on the green carpet (describing his funeral). She seemed so disconnected from what was happening that day that I didn’t think she would remember it. She continues to amaze me. We talked about her questions and I told her that anytime she wanted to talk, her Daddy and I would be there.

My family and I went on a wonderful 11-day vacation. It was great to get away. Although you never really “get away” from your feelings. Anyway, we went to Gatlinburg with my parents, sister, brother and sister-in-law. Then we suprised the kids with a trip to Walt Disney World. We had the greatest time. We had purchased a 4-seat stroller that we took with us. It started getting a little old hearing “Did you lose one?” There were a couple of “cast members” who were genuinely concerned that one had “jumped ship” so we had to tell them that one had passed away. They felt awful.

One day at Epcot we decided to grab some dinner for the kids. Brian wanted to get something from the UK at World Showcase, so I told him to go ahead while the kids were eating and I sat down on a bench. I started talking to a couple who sat down shortly after I did. They were from Delaware and were big Colts fans. They had been part of a show at one of the countries earlier that day, the wife was wearing a button from it. Another couple walking by noticed her button and stopped to ask her what part she had played and that wife had been the same character. So, having the large stroller and all those cute kids, the other couple struck up a conversation with me. They were from New Jersey. That wife asked about the empty seat and for some reason I told her that we had a son who passed away. They asked how long it had been and then were worried that I had done all that walking in the heat so soon after giving birth. I told them all that I had been fine. Anyway, it turns out that the New Jersey wife (I really wish I had asked their names) and her husband had lost a 19-year-old son in 1993. We cried together and she gave me lots of encouragement and advice. She said “it’s not a club anyone wants to join, but it’s good to know there are others who’ve been through it, too.” She is so right. There are so many things she said that were thoughts out of my own head. It was amazing. I am so glad that God placed all of them in our path at the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

I thought I should try to post again. I’m not really sure where this is going, but here we go…

For about the last week I have been pretty steady emotionally. Well, actually it seems that I just haven’t been emotional. I thought I was doing pretty well. Then the tears came back today. We got a CD of Felix’s pictures in the mail. I looked at them tonight. That went alright because they are pictures we have prints of that I’ve looked at over and over again. But I was checking up on some friends’ blogs and saw pictures of little kids and I got choked up. Also I was watching a re-run of John & Kate plus 8 when the twins were celebrating their birthday. It just reminded me that we will never get to do that with Felix. It hurt. One tradition I’ve made with the kids is making their 1st birthday cake myself. (Chloe: butterfly, Dylan: Cookie Monster, Ezra: dinosaur) For Felix, I made a flower arrangement for his funeral.

I guess this is one of those times that will come along when the thoughts and emotions will sneak up on me. (or maybe my hormones are shifting again) I’ll probably get a little teary as we drive into the Smoky Mountains next week, too. That is one place we love to go and he’ll never get to see it. Never… he’ll never get to see his siblings or pick dandelions or spill his milk on the floor. I’ll never get to read him a bedtime story or give him a bath or give him “eskimo” kisses.

All of the “nevers” are almost unbearable.